November 6th, 2009

2013, cyd, new

i can't sleep!

the past few days have been hell. no matter how early or late i go to bed, no matter what combination of drugs i use, i can't sleep past 3:30 in the morning. then in the evening, sometimes, i will get a couple of fitful hours. i'm losing my mind. but at least i'm losing it quietly, at home. i lay in bed as long as i can stand it, didn't make it past 7:30 this morning. i've been up reading harry potter and playing with my laptop.

i am not in a good humor. all i want to do is sleep through the night and stay awake during the day. i just started eating again (slimfast shakes stay down consistently, i've been living on them), and i wanted to get my strength back up and now this sleeping thing. i don't like this and i want to cry and shake and throw a big tantrum until i wear myself down to raw hunger and exhaustion. then i want to eat and sleep. but mostly i want to sleep.

my head is blurry
and my eyes are unfocused
my limbs are weak and
do not do what i tell them
maybe i should go for a walk
that will wear me out, i would hope
but where do i go?
i am a raw and aching bundle of nerves
a walking zombie panic attack
the very thought of me walking
out the door sends me into the shakes
no, possibly a hot bath
no, doc has to shower in a couple of hours
maybe it's time i turned on tv
and lay back down on the couch
2013, cyd, new

oh, and

the desktop ethernet card (or NIC card) is dead, so i can't get online on the big computer. and the dvd burner drive is dead. needless to say, i can't afford to replace either, so i'm depending on the $100 laptop with the 5 gig hard drive to be online and get my email. suck.
2013, cyd, new

i slept!

i feel so much better. i took two seroquel and slept all day. i'm a bit discombobulated, but i feel much more lucid than i have in days. i can't believe i slept all day, though. i got none of my chores done. but i slept! and i want to sleep tonight, so i'll stay up with doc as late as i can.