May 6th, 2009

blue hair

day 15

i'm halfway to my thirty days. can i get a "hell yeah"?

did i mention that when i relapsed, i got high on pot and it made me sick to my stomach. really sick.

and the first few days i was sober again i felt like guilty hell. i'm over that. it's hump day and i made it this far again, so i'm feeling pretty up about it.

on the argh meter, i woke up from a nap with the worst back pain i've ever had. lower back. when i stand from a sitting position, it is excrutiating, but i can bend at the knees and get up with no pain. i figured it would go away in a couple of days, but it hasn't, it is gotten worse. i've tried tylenol at liver killing doses, lortab, hot baths, and a heating pad. none have worked, or caused it to let up any. i've done stretches and those just made me cry, but i do them any way. any and all other suggestions are welcomed.

i've never had back pain like this and i'm sympathizing with everyone who's ever had back pain. it starts at the lower spine and rolls out laterally. all i did was take a nap. eck, enough of this whining. aside from the back thing, i feel good. positive. doc saw a partial AA meeting on a TV show and i told him, that sums it up. i need to call people on my phone list, i'm so afraid of calling them. the curse of the 500 pound phone. and i need to stick around after meetings to socialize. that will help me find rides to meetings.

these things are what i need to do. i need to stop being so shy and let my wit out. people like me, when i let myself out, and i need to do that, and if i just relax that will happen naturally. i've been reading my "Just For Today" meditation and inspiration book, some times going back a few months if today's leaves something lacking. sometimes the text is right on, for example, today's quote from from the basic text says :"in time, we can relax and enjoy the atmosphere of recovery."

i haven't been working the steps. i don't know how/i'm still hung up on the higher power.everyone i've met so far is very into God and seem surprised when i say i believe in a Goddess/nothing. my answers vary. never are they taken well. i need to talk to more people until i find some that are open minded to alternative higher powers. hopefully that person will also have some time under her belt to sponsor me. i really do find myself lost.

speaking about the icon, i miss my blue hair.