February 25th, 2009

rainbow canes

silly little girl

when little girls, most little girls, have curly hair, they wish more than anything for straight hair. i was one of those girls and i carried that with me until the technology caught up with my dreams, and it did. finally, i can have straight hair in under 30 minutes if i speed through. i can even do it when the hair is wet and it dries it straight. one childhood dream taken care of. dig it.

it's supposed to be grey and windy today. i got a proper and sound lecture for not keeping time for doc. getting a little sick of that. i'm staying in bed for the leaving hour from now on. i can't take that shit in the morning. it makes me look for my pipe on the table. it's never there and i wouldn't use it, but by habit i link stress with denial and weed. got to break that habit. but doc is quitting on his own. so it isn't so monumental to him. he wouldn't even go to meetings with me. he won't even help me get to a meeting. 90 meetings in 90 days means nothing to him. i've been to one meeting since getting out of rehab. and i've told he and M they'll only have to take me to one meeting or two and i'll network myself into a ride there.

no one in this house gives a shit about my sobriety, well, maybe the cats, but only chloe and leeloo. i've given them (the boys) a lot of leeway, i let them use in front of me. i think that is a hell of a concession. i could be sitting here smoking all day and just pretend to be sober, but i don't. K at rehab was wrong, i have a lot of strength. i could tell M to keep it away from me or take me to the meeting a couple of times. it's in the middle of a suburb, so i'm sure it's got a pub he could spend his time in. i just don't want to piss him of and have him move out because i like him living here.

this whole thing is a hostage situation. at rehab they say get rid of the hostage taker. like they don't have money or use currency in their daily lives or friends. K would have me get rid of my husband and best friend. and live where? and get a divorce because he uses once a week? and lose our friend and apartment. but then, i had been warned and i knew that was coming and chose to say, "that's out of bounds". i wasn't going to argue with him. he wants to think i went home and broke sobriety, he doesn't mean a thing to me, now that i'm home. my priorities are in the right place. i just can't get to the meetings.

this is probably a dreary rehash of whatever i wrote when i got home, but it's built up again and i had to let it out. better to write than to internalize it until i do something stupid. and the list of stupid things i could do is growing, you know?