February 18th, 2009

2013, cyd, new

all i need is love

doc jokes that no one can love me enough. he tries, but it is the love of others that i need, popularity, loved in a group. i know he loves me. i don't act like i know most of the time that doc loves me. it is emotionally painful to be in a group and not be the center of it. it's selfish, i know. how can a nonconformist freak want to be popular? everyone loves a weirdo?

one cannot understand my love of my straight hair. though my metal straightener doesn't work nearly as well as the ceramic one used on me in rehab. at most it is slightly wavy, and i can still run my fingers through it. so i'm in love with my hair. there's some love.

most of you guys express love for me.

maybe i'll find what i need in a meeting. once i get a sponsor, i'll have someone to talk this stuff out with.
2013, cyd, new

the phone is power

i called N who gave me the number of F who said about my inability to get a ride to the meetings, "why don't you call a bitch and get a ride set up?" and i said, "what do you think i'm doing now?" the phone is power. K was right, prick that he is. no one has made me cry like him or frustrated me so much. as a councilor, he's good at what he does, but maybe too good. telling me he thought i just wanted to go home a day early because i wanted to get loaded. that was fucking unfair. i'm still very sober, and plan to stay that way. at least he did it in private, L called me out in public, with the guilt and the shame and the hey hey hey. i left there the next morning, with doctor's orders, with a very bitter taste in my mouth.

the phone is power. hopefully i can get a ride to the meeting tonight, it's a huge meeting and a great place to network. and i know that it will get back to K and L that i was there and sober the entire time i was gone, just a few days. enough days to fall off the wagon, but i'm up near the driver and the walls are high, i'm staying on this wagon for the forseeable and unforseeable future. but i feel like i have something to prove to L and K. i shouldn't, because this is about me, not them. and i'm letting them and my anger get the better of me. i need to calm down and wait for F to call back hopefully with a ride to tonight's AA meeting at rehab.

i know the initials are a pain in the ass but i signed a thing saying i wouldn't write about rehab. the first rule of rehab, there is no rehab. tee hee.
i need to lighten up.