September 27th, 2008

hidey chloe

"you starve and near exhaust me"

i have a new diagnosis. schizoaffective disorder. that seems to fit me more than the simple bipolar did. it includes bipolar, but with a splash of schizophrenia. i've been up since 7 this morning looking it up and reading about it. and i'd really like to go to sleep now, but i don't seem to be able to.

i'm still waiting for doc to finish his movie so that i can install spore. though i watched M in the rocket ship phase last night and i don't know if i'll be able to keep up. M is a born gamer. he has a touch with that sort of stuff. he went from the beginning to airplanes in one sitting. i don't think i'll pick it up that fast.

i'm two days into the topamax. so far the only side effect is photophobia. i have to watch tv with my sunglasses on after i take it. that seems to wear off by morning. i'm taking 25 mg and will double that next thursday. i'm not worried about the dumbing down side effects, i've been pretty worthless since the ECT. my memory is shot. doc is unhappy with this new drug, but i told him i originally wanted adderall and he flipped out. he said no in more languages than i knew he knew. you're no one until you've been chewed out in an asian dialect.

ireally want to go back to sleep, but to get there i have to climb over doc. then i have to lay there with my thoughts spinning until i eventually give up. then i climb back over doc and try not to wake him up. if i could have the tv on it would help, but that would just wake him up grumpy. maybe if i sit out here, maybe watch some firefly or farscape. M doesn't like sci fi, so i haven't been watching them.

chloe has jumped up on the desk with me in a plea for love and pets. how can i resist such cuteness? i wish she could put me to sleep.

i'll eat some cereal and then go back to bed. or maybe curl up on the couch.

David Bowie - Within You

"chaos rules when we're apart"

so much i forgot in my obsession with sleep. i'm up now, and zen with it. i made a pot of coffee

alert to anyone wanting or needing a messenger bag: walmart online has one, it has a crow silkscreened on it in the corner, really subtly. but it's ten bucks and it's a great canvas messenger bag . . . drat, it's sold out online. well, if you want to see my new bag: it's very cool, just enough pockets, rain protector thingies on the main pocket of the bag, velcro closings and the pockets are big enough to fit both of my cameras at the same time, especially if they are in the case.

meanwhile, i think i scared off my manager, AMB. i want to email her or call her, but the fact is, i can't handle the rejection. we had a very candid conversation about my vices and that was the last i heard from her. i guess it's for the best. my new diagnosis is sexier than plain old bipolar, but there's a recent book about schizoaffective disorder that is being turned into a movie. i plan to buy that book this weekend and read it and see if there is anything i can add to the subject. i'm not hopeful, though, i saw the other book at the bookstore and it was thick.

i was so desperate when i got up. now i'm fine with it. there are a couple of factors involved there. i'm still going to go curl up on the loveseat with my blankie and pillow.

Garbage - When I Grow Up