August 16th, 2007

hank

let it out to the universe

i want a kitten. i've been going through journals and seeing pictures of henry and i miss him so much. stupid cat. he was my fuzzle buddy. leeloo has tried to take his place. she sleeps at my feet all day, she comes into the bathroom and meows at me, she even sleeps between doc and i on the couch when we are sitting there together. she curls up in bed with us. she's really stepped up into the alpha cat when it comes to loving. jack is still too young to want to be with the humans. he comes in for love when i'm in the bedroom, or he leads me into doc's bedroom (let's be honest, it's jack's bedroom, he's the only one that sleeps in there) for fuzzles on doc' low bed. and then there's chloe that sits up on the desk while i'm working and lets me type around her.

doc is four square against a new kitten.

and now alisa has weighed in, no kitten. i have no time to train a new kitten right now and she doesn't want me distracted on my publicity tour.

so no kitten. i see the wisdom.

but i still miss henry. stupid cat.
2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

three chapters in three weeks. no, i don't expect to keep this pace up, the remaining four sections are heavy. we did the easiest first. but we have at least one sample chapter to send with the proposal.

and that is my job right now, this book proposal. and the one sheet. we half finished it and temporarily abandoned it. i'll get it done this weekend.

everything now is getting ready to go to my doctor's appointment. i'm so nervous about going alone that i'm not at all nervous about meeting a new doctor.

i have my CD player loaded with new batteries, found the headphones doc borrowed and put them together on the couch. my clothes are laying out. i have a towel in my bag to dry off with when i get there. and i have a bottle of ice water chilling in the fridge. and i have my paperwork that i needed to fill out for the new doctor.

we have to fill out doc's benefits package tonight so the insurance can start. i need to find a dentist near here or on a bus route i know. getting my teeth fixed is paramount now as i try to beautify myself for future publicity. hee.
doesn't comprehend

ack and erg

i don't have an icon for fear . . . this will have to do.

i'm scared to go to my doctor's appointment. it's like i spent all my inner strength on this book and i don't have any in reserve. i'm really scared. i've taken a klonopin, that should calm me down. i have everything ready and even put some SPF lotion on my face.

i don't know what i'm so scared of. being out alone seems to me to be enough of an explanation, but if you're not agoraphobic, it isn't self explanitory. and i can't give any more of an explanation.

will i get across the street before the bus comes (i worry this even though i allow myself 15 minutes to cross the street, more than enough time to go down to the crosswalk and back)

will i get off the bus in the right place? will i be lost if i do?

can i walk quickly enough to get to the appointment on time or should i have left an hour early and sit there? it's too late to do that now, so it will worry me until i get to the appointment. i know i'll be seen, it isn't like that is an issue.

will i remember to call doc from the doctor's office?

ack! and i went into the bathroom and discovered one of my teeth is chipped. got to get the health stuff in so i can go to the dentist. i need a lot of work and a lot of it on my front teeth. will i be able to get that done before the book is done? ack! another fucking thing to worry about!

i am freaking out. when will the klonopin slow this shit down? should i take a seroquel? erg. took a seroquel, it can't hurt anything.

now it's after 4. i have to leave at 4:45 even though the bus is across the street and comes at 5:07 (i have to give myself time to walk down the street to the crosswalk and back up to the bus stop). i will be obsessively looking at the clock from here out. i don't even have anything that i could distract myself with. i finished up the work i was doing and i don't trust myself to do it in this state. i backed up the work, i even scanned in some photos of me when i was younger.

my eyedrops, i need to remember those, i don't know how windy it is out. okay, check.

now i'm dressed, do i wear my docs or my tennis shoes? doc's. blisters be damned. i need to get used to walking in them again. i hear they are hot again. some part of me has to be fashionable, right?

i'm going to stop this before it goes any further, i think i look crazy enough, i can stop now before it becomes to blatant.

4:13 . . . just a half an hour.
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