June 20th, 2007

2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i'm feeling myself again. a couple of days of grief and i'm ready to move on. don't get me wrong, i could weep forever for my lost sister . . . but i don't want to get mired in sorrow. the sides are slippery and it is easy to fall in and get stuck. i don't want to get stuck.

today i cook. doc went to the store and got ingredients for comfort food: mac and cheese (home made) and tuna noodle casserole. i think i may even deep fry some of the mac and cheese. give myself a lovely deep fried treat.

i've also got four Firefly episodes to watch today. i've never seen the series, just Serenity and bits and pieces of the series picked up from the scifi channel.

my medic alert bracelet is bothering me. i guess i just don't want anything on my wrists. i was wearing bracelets for a couple of weeks, but i took off all but the medic alert tag, which stays on no matter what. it's my tag, my brand. "Psychotic Disorder", "Takes Medication", "Photophobia". i wear it in case i get lost and disoriented.

i told doc i want an mp3 player so i could go on adventures. we agreed that my CD player is fine for now. though i didn't get the ok on the adventures. i'm dying to go down to the strip alone. i know i'm not ready for it yet and the heat of the summer is not something i should be out in, but i'm chomping at the bit, as it were.

although . . . and i keep forgetting this, our friend B is moving in for a couple of weeks in july. he may want to go on adventures with me. that would be cool.

i'm tired of being in this apartment. i'm not sure why i locked myself away. i tell myself it's because i gained weight and don't have anything to wear and don't want to be seen. but that is really shallow and i'm not a shallow person. at least i don't think i am. i have never identified what it is out there that i am so afraid of. i told myself for a while that i was afraid of my family seeing me walking down the street defenseless. but they wouldn't recognize me now and they have no idea where i live. so that isn't it, either. if i go through the entire list of things, fears, i may end up crossing all of them out and be left with no excuse.

huh. i never looked at it that way before. i need to think.