April 3rd, 2007

2013, cyd, new

ebay stress

i feel like i'm going to puke. another dissatisfied ebay customer . . . i try so hard to do this ebay thing well. another refund. the package got sent late. the book's pages fell out on delivery. fuck and other things.

i was going to write this long positive thing about how my dreams seem to be encouraging me. and now i just want to throw up from the tension.

positive post later. now i'm going to make myself sick waiting for the reply from the customer. i don't know why i get like this. i had to ask her to return the book, because this is my refund policy. i also told her that her refund would be in the form of money order. my paypal account is still fucked up because i don't have a bank account yet.

another thing i need to do. piffle.
2013, cyd, new

on a less depressing note

the other night in my sleep i did a lot of jabbering. doc said the only coherent thing i said was, "seize the opportunity". and it set me to wondering what i was dreaming about that i would say something so empowering. so i've been trying to save my dreams and remember them. and something i've discovered is that in my recent dreams, something from the past happens and i change the outcome. i do the changing.

this tells me that i haven't given up hope, like i feel i have. there is still a lot of hope inside me and apparently a lot of power. if my subconcious is changing "reality" to better outcomes, it means that some part of me is still in control.

doc and i have been talking about my memory problems and the results of the year long memory dump that the ECT caused. i've come to terms with forgetting a season of a show i like, and losing a year of memories with doc. but i haven't dealt with the wall of creativity (literally a wall of shelves with all my supplies stored neatly) and the memory loss there. i still don't know how i made the books. i know i did it, but i don't remember how. and that scares me away from the wall. but i should be embracing the wall, making it my own again.

i think i'll start with the jewelry. or maybe the CD suncatchers. i have plenty of things to do, it's just a matter of not letting them scare me anymore. i created the wall, i put everything up on it, it's mine.