December 11th, 2006

2013, cyd, new

i think i got my head together

i feel better this morning. aside from soreness from the mattress, i feel damn good.

last night i came this close to cutting. instead i told kelli about it and felt better.

i got this great response to my guilt/blame/fear post yesterday that just made my morning:
Guilt: that little voice in the back of your mind that tells you you've done something wrong.

Shame: what you should feel after you know you've done something wrong.

Fear: The compliment to bravery. Without it, brave acts are irrelivent. Ride that rollercoaster. I'll stand down here with the popcorn & cotton candy. Remember the mantra from Dune about fear.

that made me feel on top of the world. because i haven't done anything wrong. no matter what my brain tells me, i'm doing everything right. not perfectly, but not wrong. so i can just lay off the guilt and the blame. that in itself is a mantra.

we went for a walk last night and scoped out some christmas lights. we saw some great displays. one actually here in the apartment complex. they had strung up blue lights all over their balcony. not just in the architectural opening. so it was a great 3D effect.

then we saw a house with a giant inflatable penguin in holiday garb on the roof, floating back and forth in the wind.

today my goal is to take a shower. easy for you to do, but i fear the shower. i can't hear what goes on in the house when i'm in the shower and i fear someone coming in and my never knowing until they killed me in the shower. i don't know where i picked this fear up, i think it was the hospital when i was there a few years ago.

but maybe that is where the guilt comes from, i'm not doing enough proactively to help myself control the illness, rather than letting it control me.

besides, i'm getting tired of baths and sponge baths and i want a shower. my hair is getting longer and i keep it pulled back when it is unwashed. i need to wash it to let it down so i can be happy with it. and i need to be happy with it because for all the time it took to grow out the sides, i want a mohawk again. that's why i use this icon. to remind me how i look with long hair. and what is the point of having long hair if i'm just going to pull it back and ignore it? so there's that goal. to shower.