July 20th, 2006

2013, cyd, new

on a secret

i'll tell you something i haven't told doc yet . . . i've been having hallucinations. i figure i'll tell him tonight. i just kept figuring it would go away but it has been three or four days now. and i'm on all my medication. today i'm going without seroquel, waiting on the order to arrive from the pharmeceutical company. but for three weeks now i've been on all my meds. the only one i take optionally is the xanax. i only take that when i'm starting to freak out.

and i went for a short walk earlier and it happened a lot. i know my way to and from the mailboxes, which is good because i couldn't see for the things jumping around in my vision. i swear to god i felt like i was on acid, it was so bad. once i got back into the apartment it backed off to the corners of my vision again, like it's been. i think i'm going to back off the pain reliever (generic tylenol). i take one in the morning if my back hurts, which it has been. it isn't supposed to interact with my meds, but it is the only thing i'm putting in my body besides meds, water and food.

and it can't be the pot because there isn't any pot. it wasnt' hard to stay off of it after two and a half weeks of not having it. so it isn't that, either.

i've been having really weird and vivid reality dreams. for instance, i dreamt that Jack ate the greens off of my bamboo plant. i dealt with the anger in the dream and once awake, was really surprised to see my bamboo plant just the way it should be, with the greens. little things like that. all the dreams are real seeming, there is no gorilla sitting in the room. the only difference is there are different people. gwyll was around for the jack and the bamboo plant dream. another friend of mine who lives in colorado was in another one. we were cooking together. that led to me thinking i had some fresh spanikopita in the fridge, which i don't because she wasn't here and we didn't make it.

so those are my dreams. and then the corner of the eye hallucinations that got up and got weird when i went outside. maybe it was the light and not the anxiety. i keep the blinds closed to keep it cooler in here, so i'm in the dark all the time. maybe it was the light.

my anxiety is at a pretty low level. i avoid things that trigger me and the neurontin seems to be having a nice effect on me and keeps me cool like fonzie. so i'm reluctant to blame anxiety for anything right now. except the fears i have had for years. like showering in an empty house. i've now just gotten to the point of being able to shower without someone in the room with me (or outside the door guarding it in the case of the hospital). i was able to take a nice long shower twice this week, with doc in the house and not in the room. yeah. go me. go neurontin.

i think i'm rambling, aren't i? oops. i'll go back to making the new website. i think i'm almost done. just a couple additions to the art section and the creation of another section, which will be a page with many links on it, and i'm done. oh, and i have to go through and add links to some pages, but i go over each page anyway and check for errors so that is included in the time i think it will take me to finish it.