June 25th, 2006

2013, cyd, new

what is the purpose?

to what end am i trying to get better and trying to live?

that is the question i need to answer. it's the one that won't go away. and sometimes i can answer it . . . but mostly it just frustrates me.

i'm sick of being such a downer. i'm much more quiet now. i don't know if i am thinking more, but i'm not saying as much. doc mentioned it last night, how i don't go off on rants anymore. i just haven't felt very ranty. i really haven't felt much of anything.

and i look in my studio workspace at all the things and i feel like it is someone else's space. i feel completely lost in there. maybe if i can remember where my CD player is, i'll hook it up and go into that room and clean it up and make it my own again. that's the plan. provided i find the CD player instead of not finding it and getting frustrated at that.

i need to turn this memory lapse thing into a game. something to make it as engaging as it is challenging.

what i need mostly is not to be so scared. everything seems so daunting. i don't know if a switch was turned off or on, but i know one was thrown. but i don't know if it was the ECT, or something else that just happened around the same time. i guess that is pretty stupid when said out loud or read back. i just need to not be so afraid of everything.

. . . . . . . . the CD player was on my work table. right out in the open. time to challenge myself.
2013, cyd, new

i just read my last entry

. . . and i'm not at all suicidal. i'm just not motivated. i didn't mean to sound all dreary and teary.

they say the memory loss only lasts a month or so after the last ECT session, so i should just calm down.

and a warning to others: a search for "ECT" on google will leave you with a headache.