May 15th, 2006

2013, cyd, new

i will be strong

my thoughts are definately not racing. they are at a complete standstill. my sleep is all off. i slept most of yesterday and this morning. slowly, my wits are returning.

i did manage to fall out of bed and scrape my knee. see, i have to climb over doc and i just wasn't coordinated enough and i fell over him and off the bed. scared the bejesus out of doc, though. he was sound asleep when it happened and shot straight up in bed.

my main priority is to stay relaxed and not get stressed out over anything. just sit and relax. play the sims, write, do whatever i can to keep busy so i don't think too much and start freaking out. doc won't be home until 8:30. all i have to do until then is keep my shit together and not hurt myself anymore (since i cut my arm last night all the sharp things have gone away). i will get though this.

even if i end up in the hospital in a week and a half when i see my doctor again. but if that is his decision, i won't fight him over it. doc says he'll worry about me. since he won't be able to come and visit, i can see that. but there's a phone. and what am i saying, i'm talking like it's a foregone conclusion and it isn't. if i can pull it together in time i can avoid it.
2013, cyd, new

2 po-eems

just like getting high
too much xanax and
i'm right back where i started
and i cried so hard
when i thought it would make it all stop
i rock back and forth
and the veil comes down
and some of the spinning stops
things get darker
i start to feel comfortable
it's when this stops working
that i finally give in and hurt myself
it used to be about power
power over my pain and frustration
but not it is just about the pain
pain there to reminds me
when one heals another follows
and i can't stop because
i don't want to stop
i want to let it out
i want to get it out of me
the rocking only helps so much
the motion of my body
the phasing out of my brain
pick a word
and put it down
before it escapes
put it on paper
and more will come
capture them
as they flit through
get them down
they will flow
they will make some
sense eventually

grab a metaphor
and put it down
do it now
before you lose it
write it down
and more will come
capture it
as it flies through
get it down
they will flow
they will make some
sense eventually
2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i made myself a journal with a cover made from the cover of a record. it has a cat in a tux with a baton, leading an orchestra. brilliant. i made it with different colored pages. so why is it i have a blank notebook sitting on the table with a pen for my writing and not that journal? i couldn't tell you. i just know i want to fill that notebook up. and not everything will be posted here. i just post the new ones now because i'm so happy to be writing again.

i need to turn a harry and david box into a flat-ish art box so i don't have small pieces of collage sitting around and stuffed into drawers.

another box is for doc's letters and cards, which i have to go through his room and put away, which will make it easier for him to clean his room up a bit without having to go through all the memories.

if i can get out of this fog, i may be able to accomplish these two simple things. and maybe finish steam cleaning one of the corners of the living room.