really raining and staying on the ground! i don't even care that i have to go out in it bus riding. i'm just happy for each little splash i hear.
yesterday i was a bum. aside from some cleaning i did nothing but sleep. doc was home with a cold.
there is nothing weighing on my mind today. i love waking up like this. clear headed and ready for the day. that is a feeling that is very easy to take for granted. i try to notice and celebrate it when i can.
having two computers is nice. there is no more waiting for someone to get off the computer. both are being used and to my amazement, both are talking to each other, which has made setting up the second one much easier.
i just went and ran an errand. ran up to get smokes. not bad. i can report that to Doc Rev when i go in today.
we leave in a half an hour. the rain has stopped for the next couple of hours so our trip should be a dry one. i'm getting more zen about the bus and taking three hours to get ten minutes away and back. the bus rides are interesting and i've learned to take my discman with me since doc and i don't talk much on the bus and sometimes are separated completely.
the bus back will be full of high school students. that is always interesting.
R bought a truck last night for her trip out to florida. she's leaving in july. big truck, four speed, i can't wait to see her drive the beast. and her mechanic is coming to check it out and check out our car to give us a price quote. we won't be able to fix it right away because of the wage garnishment, but at least at the end of that doc will have his drivers liscense back. then we get the car fixed, then we get it registered, then insured, then we drive again. hee.
it gets so frustrating. i don't know when i am being "crazy". in the moment it all seems the same. at that point i cannot step out of myself to see what i am doing or saying is illogical.
doc is patient with me to a fault almost. it takes a lot, still, to trust him when he says i am being irrational or paranoid. because it all seems so real to me in the moment. but he does tell me and he tries to do it gently (unless i'm pushing his buttons, he's human, after all) and i really do try to listen but mostly i just escalate things. and i never know it until it is over and has passed and i'm back to being "me".
i know this is what has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. i wonder if there will ever be a point when even in the state of agitation, i will be able to step back from it and see it for what it is.