March 6th, 2006

2013, cyd, new

monday

i'm agonizing over a decision. but which of us isn't in some way?

in other news, it is supposed to rain this week!! hooray!

i watched part of the oscars last night to see jon stewart. i'll never do that again. i didn't think i could care so little about a program. and there wasn't enough jon.
2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i can't blame him for being skeptical. how did he put it . . . "i see the roller coaster rising and i'm just waiting for it to peak and start crashing down"

i get that. friends i've had, no matter how close, but for kam316, never even see a fraction of my illness. doc sees it all. even this journal doesn't reflect things true to life. i still have some filters in place, i have to.

and doc has lived with this for eight years. he's seen me do really well for a while and then just crash and burn. and it seems the better i am, the harder i crash. so i understand him in this. when he tells me he doesn't want me to be too adventurous or try to do too much. with this he is doing what he can to protect me from myself and the world. he is proud of me when i triumph and he is scared for me when i don't. i don't think he knows i understand and that i love him more for it. he is the only person who has ever been able to deal with living with me this long.

it has been at great cost to himself and i want, more than anything else, to be on the road to recovery. i want the meds to keep working so that he can relax. i want him to enjoy life. i don't just want someone to take care of me, i want someone i can take care of, too. and his love and patience make me want that all the more. i want to take care of him and help him like he is helping me and i want to love him forever.

that's all.