i have Important things to do today. i decided i would call the billing and insurance companies and deal with them. but i can't for a few hours.
but really, there is no focus in this morning's anxiety. doc got off to work on time. everything is clean and sparkly.
hormones, we'll call it that. i'm no longer waiting for hormonal overload. i was kind of looking forward to the immaculate conception thing. just as a life changing event. hee. actually, an early start to menopause wouldn't suck so hard. i'm not using the plumbing, i don't see why it has to use me.
someone snuck in and dosed the cats with supercute powers. they are acting like kittens this morning and all getting along and being lovey. i'm going to get me some of that.
an hour on the phone and everything with billing, insurance, and medicare is hunky dory. everything is being reprosessed and all claims have been refiled. i rock my own face off.
but i still have this nagging feeling. maybe it's just the shock that it is finally done and there will be no more problems and i learned something about medicare i didn't know that will make life easier in the future. it must be shock. once i smoke this cigarette i'll go back to work in my closet. it is a decent hour of the morning and i can now make noise and such moving stuff around.
my goal today, since i met the big one already, is to get rid of the hundreds of magazines i've been hoarding for ten years or more. one milk crateful at a time, i am getting rid of those things. it won't get me much room in the closet, they are pretty tucked away, but it will get something off my mind.
i am to the point where i want to throw out everything i own. i have hit a wall. ran into three boxes of doc's stuff in my closet that i can't do anything with. and it just seems like the piles are growing and growing.
i have to get a hold of myself. i can't be freaking out over a bedroom. i can't be freaking out. i'm on my meds, there is no excuse. so why can't i cope? why am i so overwhelmed? did i think there would be a magic something that would make all i own disappear? even though i've thrown away so much there is so much left.
i feel like i am drowning. i tried to take some allergy pills to make me drowsy so i could sleep this off, but i just got more hyper and now i can't sit still at all. i keep going into the closet and coming back out. sometimes doing something or other, mostly not. i'm so tired from walking down to the dumpster and all four of them are full, i am not the only one doing this right now, that is easy to see.
the time passes so fucking slowly and no matter how much i do it seems i have so much further to go. and that nagging feeling from this morning is still with me. i need a xanax. i think i will have one. this has got to go, this feeling, or set of feelings. i don't like them at all.
the closet is emptied and partially reloaded with the condensed version of stuff. odds and ends to do, but the big ugly part is done. really. i can't believe it myself. i'm off to take a well deserved shower and then hang out with R for a while.
i finally feel okay again. i think part of it was glee that R is home from work early. we'll hang out for a while and pass some time, which is still going so slowly.
i've taken the last of the garbage down and was able to fit my thin clothes in one big box, the back of the closet hanging up and two bags. down from three or four times that. i just saved the best of the stuff and the stuff i know i will always wear, no matter when i can fit into them again.
went for a nice ride. it looks like rain, but they say not until tomorrow.
it's so nice to be calm again. a little of talking to R and a lot of listening to her (the way i prefer it) and i feel much better now.
i've taken my last trip to the dumpster for real today.
now i'm just going to relax. maybe straighten the kitchen, i noticed a couple of pans in the sink earlier and i can set up coffee for later. that would be nice.
i can't stop thinking
so maybe i should be writing
maybe it would be good to get this down
these familiar feelings of empowerment
that wash over me deserve
the merit of at least a few words
the feeling of conquering your fears
should be recorded and played back often
still i can't stop thinking
what is next. what can i do now?
there is so much left for me
i set it up in the fugue state
and now there is just to focus and to do it
and i can take over my little corner of the world
once again and maybe for always
so much to do and so much time to do it in
this is what people dream of and
i have it right here in my lap and
i wouldn't think of complaining right now
but i can't stop thinking
there's talk of wildflowers up at the lake. we hope to get up there, though the next time R is off early, we're going to get my social security card replaced. but we'll get up to the lake again. we'll get to fire and ice as well. she is leaving in july. by then the car will be fixed and i'll have my license and everything will be hunky dory. right? sure, why not.
it's so obvious that i don't write this for an audience. such drivel when i read back over it. the chunks of clever are so well hidden that i don't even get the jokes i make after a while. but typing makes me feel better. like holding a gun in battle, holding the words in the battle of my whirling brain.