February 22nd, 2006

2013, cyd, new

bitch bitch bitch

i have to get a new shrink. the chick that does the billing is so inept. the nurse that does the paperwork is just as bad. bad to the point where they are trying to charge my new (1/06) insurance company with stuff from last august because they won't tell my old insurance company about my medicare. according to my old insurance company, i am $9000 and change into my doctor. for time i was doubly covered.

then there is the prescription i get back in the mail today for lexapro. they need more info from my doctor (of the attending nurse) and can't get it, so i can't get my meds. i don't even have the phone with me today, which may be best because i would just say something angry.

and lastly, R was over last friday, we hung out and she said she'd be back later. okay. never came by. i went by and listened to her and her room mate fight over answering the door to me. i slunk away. just now i was coming back with the mail and rounded the corner and R was just getting out of her jeep. she got back in and drove off. what the fuck? i know it was a coincidence, but she didn't say hi or anything. at first i really beat myself up thinking i must have done something, but i have gone over that day and can't think of anything. maybe i've forgotten. and i really can't think of anything subtle i could have said, R is resiliant and strong.

this doctor thing has me so pissed off. i guess when i go in next tuesday i will try to sit down with them and get this worked out and if not, ask for copies of my records and be done with them. ever since the practice was sold to Doc Rev, the back office part of things has gone to hell. i tell myself i can do without the lexapro, which i likely can. but if they do the same thing with doc, he's fucked. we can't just run up and get it.

i feel better having gotten that out.

i hooked my portable CD player up to the stereo in the living room. that is a happy happy thing, so long as i have batteries.

i'm also really wound up about another thing and i'm right at that moment when i want to get it over with even though it's pretty cool.

this has got to be PMS.
2013, cyd, new

no system works

if had known at 13, when i first started getting needed attention for psychiatric issues what my life would be like i never would have botched my first suicide attempt. i would have been dead at 15 like my sister. and the world would have been a better place maybe, maybe not.

if i believed in god i could blame this all on him, it is just a test. the universe is testing me, karma is coming around. no. the human race, on a large scale, is failing everyone around them. we as a race suck, and i hope every day that we make it to evolve into one of the popular sci fi ideal futures or something like it. but really. if god and i had looked down and talked about this part of the century, i think i would have defected right there. hellfire is not worth this.

i never would have gotten old enough to fall so deeply in love that i couldn't walk away when i wanted to.

yeah, i know, what if. this will all pass, because that is what it does, it passes. each crisis ends eventually. there are bigger battles i've fought and won lately that this should not phase me as it does. but dammit, i have insurance, i have medicare, there is no reason on this planet that should keep my doctor from getting paid. nothing.