January 29th, 2006

2013, cyd, new


i love those dreams you don't want to wake up from. either they are just feel good dreams or they are really interesting and i want more time.

and sometimes after you wake up you can go back to sleep and 'catch the tail end' of a good dream.

it makes sleeping a lot more fun. it isn't something i dread anymore. if i can't fall asleep immediately i used to panic and find a drug to knock me out. i've since stopped taking anything that knocks me out (yes, i weaned myself off the seroquel with DocRev's guidance), and i have more fun sleeping than i used to and wake up feeling much less like an extra in a George Romero flick.

i have tenative plans to go over to R's mom's place for dinner tonight. something about mexican food, once that is mentioned i don't ask a whole lot of questions, i just say "yes, please".
2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i got the wind knocked out of me by a cat last night. yep.

i was sitting on the couch, to one corner and suddenly jack jumps up on me, back paws square to my chest, and bounces back off from the same paw placement.

we have no clue at all what he was doing, silly cat.

today he is hiding, which i wish he wouldn't do because it stresses me out. but it is better than being his springboard. hee.
2013, cyd, new

a matter of degrees

i put everything on getting back on lamictal and once on it realized that it isn't everything.

the depression is paralyzing, getting rid of it frees me. and clears my head to think. and there is a lot of thinking. a lot of talking things out with doc. a lot of knowing i need a therapist.

and the symptoms of the psychosis are easier to see. and more annoying. but that lets me fix it, now that i know it is a part of things.

lucidity is golden.

i've had to ask myself, am i ready to be better? i've been sympathy driven for a long time. but unlike growing up, the real world is capable of positive feedback, as you all so often show, not just in my journal but in many other things.

i think i am ready to be the person i built again. and i'm ready to admitt that person was not destroyed. there was not complete devastation, as i thought. there was only neglect and the accompanying decay. starting from scratch seems easier in most things, and maybe it would be here as well, but that isn't the scenario. i didn't die inside. i just got really confused and shut down non-vital parts of me.

opening it up and cleaning it up again are what i face. reconstruction. i've made a hurricane zone out of my persona. luckily i have journals and recordings and pictures and i can see what it was that i shut out of my life and bring it back in, one item at a time so as to do things right and get them situated.

in a good going story, i've lost some weight. for the cause of my unending heartburn and the sake of continued weight loss i'm going on a rather restrictive diet of protien shakes and meal supplements. so i expect this to be a trend. hopefully in all this new undirected motivation i have, i can aim some of it at working out and going for walks again. the days are getting longer and warmer and more conducive to exploring.
2013, cyd, new

note to self

you are like inertia.

activity makes you crave more activity and the opposite is true. so when in doubt, get the fuck up and do something.
2013, cyd, new

left behind

a new, okay, barely used and smell free black velvet loveseat was up at the dumpster. there was a lot of stuff, like someone left behind stuff or couldn't fit all they had. but we, or rather, doc, brought it back and cleaned it and threw a nice green cover on it and it rocks. this is by far the best of the second hand couches i have had. and i have had a lot of them. plus it is an incredible step up from the last one we had which was barely comfortable and structurally questionable. this one is fluffy and has the cushioned arms and the head places (the back is high) . . . the cats are completely freaked, but i am in love.