i suck, i didn't get the paypal card. tomorrow i will, and go down to the post office by myself (i'm allowed to) and mail the stuff off. i have to be a bit more self reliant. not too much, not to the point where i walk so far away from home that i get lost and disoriented. but the post office is in my three block permit zone.
i think i'll go burn some CDs
i don't take showers. not since the last hospitalization when i was assaulted. strangely enough the assault didn't happen in the shower, it happened on my bed. but the showers there scared me. they made so much noise that you couldn't hear someone walk in. that put the scare into me. and it hasn't left. occasionally i feel like i can't do the bath thing anymore and i will take a shower, once i have secured doc to sit in the room and talk to me the whole time, and some xanax.
i was just thinking about this because i just shaved my legs and it was really akward and made me stop and think about why i was doing it this way, why not go into the shower. that thought left a rather sizeable cut in one leg, gotta remember razors don't go sideways. there may be value in not thinking of something that scares the shit out of you while you have sharp things.
i feel like an 8 year old a lot of the time. always waiting so someone can accompany me. it will be easier tomorrow because i have my CD player from my camel cash. and i'm burning CDs now for it and for gifts for a couple of people. CDs i can afford. and with the book that sold yesterday, i can afford the postage.
and yes i could stop paying for cable internet. though since any money i make, i make from ebay and other online sources that would really be shooting myself in the foot.
we don't pay for a car, or insurance since our car doesn't work. we're bad budgeters. yes. but we don't spend money on anything other than food and bills. we don't go out to eat. i don't miss it. i just feel pathetic for saying things like 'i can't afford xmas cards'. but that includes family, who are called during the free minutes. actually our entire phone bill is his parents and my sister and a couple of friends. so we don't spend money on that.
i even got to a point where i stopped buying materials and just working with what i have, which is a rather nice, if eclectic collection of beads and findings.
ooh, my CD is done.
there is a criminal stand off four blocks away. i was wondering about all the helicopters. now on the news, there is an escaped felon somewhere in the neighborhood. how suck is that?
will a CD/MPS/DVD player play mpegs? cheap player, about three years old.
canned sauce needs help, or assistance. it needs a lot of oregano, a splash of red wine, and plenty of onions and fresh garlic. doc picked up some premade meatballs in our beloved clearance isle at the grocery. so i put those in to simmer and i'll prep the bread at 6:30, then cook the pasta at 8 and it should all be ready by the time he comes home.
i once, okay, for a long time, thought that i would hit 21 and all the answers would be there for me. how to be an efficient care taker of the household, how to pay taxes, how to budget and keep our financial heads above water. they are still no more clear now than they were then. i've picked up some hints and have taught myself a lot. but in 6 years of marriage, i've never had dinner ready for him when he gets home except for this week.
usually doc cooks for himself. it has taken him a while to get used to my cooking. and i've just discovered i haven't lost my touch in the kitchen. plus the food i eat is cheaper, since i don't eat a lot of meat. so he's been getting used to my cooking.
tomorrow do i replay the spanikopita, or go for the BLTs on whole wheat? i won't know until i cook it.
that adds something very special and important to my day. i need a schedule and have been really bad about making one. this helps me organize a couple hours.
two girls just came to the door having to sell magazines.
think there's any chance i can spend $42 on a spin subscription?
i doubt it. that would pay almost for the soldering kit. it would also put us $40 ahead on a bill.
it sucks, because even if the people, like these girls, are good at what they are doing, they are sent into appartment complexes full of people with little money, they are destined to fail. and i hate saying 'no'. if they come back i'm having doc answer the door. i'm a chicken shit, i know it.
but i've had to do that and i know the humiliation that comes with constant rejection from strangers you are forced to ask for money from.
plus there was the year we bought some chocolates from a kid and never got them. the population is transient, they were long gone and their parents obviously had no integrity. don't want to get burned again.
doc brought home in-n-out burger (his wonderful nearlymama bought us dinner since doc did some xmas shopping with her). though i had just finished my portion of pasta and sauce, and because some fool let mustard touch my burger, today marks the first time i've turned down in-n-out burger. and those are the only burgers i know of.