November 19th, 2005

2013, cyd, new

state of the mind

i was sad last night.

when things go downhill, and i slip out of reality, the first delusion that presents itself is my sister is still alive and i've just been told she was dead. so when i get back to where i should be, that delusion melts away and leaves me with the raw pain of it just happening.

so last night i was sad.

then i had a marvelous dream with a marvelous woman and we were in love and we went on adventures and played in forests and on sand dunes. doc said i did a lot of laughing in my sleep.

so today i am not so sad. i'd like to take up that dream again, but the pain of the tricks my mind plays are not so bad.

so now you know how to figure out if i'm slipping. just ask me about my sister.

and then let me sleep and have wonderful dreams.
2013, cyd, new


yeah. what a weekend. tomorrow is my monday, as i say every week. now that my medication is at optimal, i will be able to do the list of things on my list that have got to be done online and on the computer.

i can't believe how much better i feel. and not just because i have a nice buzz right now. in general things are better.

i've also started to lose weight again. i credit the deliciousness of bagels and their inspiring me to have breakfast to get my metabolism going. plus tonight R and i decided we need to walk together with her dog that is chubby. she's skinny, so i don't know what she is worried about but it's great for me, so i'm not complaining at all.

i'm hoping now that we have to pay $50 to use the gym and pool and hot tub after the office closes, they will replace the treadmill. then i can go up . . . during the day, i'm not paying for night time use unless the hot tub is kept hot consistently, which it hasn't been for the past two years, which is a bummer, i miss the nightly trips up there.

i'm likely not even making sense anymore, i'm going to go mess with doc for a giggle and watch some comedy and laugh my buzzed ass off.

have a good night.