August 29th, 2005

2013, cyd, new

can't poem on the blog yet

the one you never talk about
the one you come to when you need something
the one you know will come through
the one that never gets a mention
the one that listens
the one that is real
the one that is tired and bored
just as self centered
really needing the help
made of of live nerve endings and

i always made the time and
wrote about me instead of accusing you
i want the truth and appreciate it and
i am the one who lets you be you

don't feel comfortable doing the writing of this on the blog. here i feel i can come back and edit it. there i feel a need to polish my work just a bit.
2013, cyd, new

handbound blank journals

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("B" is bound with tiny metal hinges!)
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thanks for looking and reading this far! =}
2013, cyd, new

brick wall

this is what my sales seem to have hit. i keep telling doc it is the gas prices and back to school that have kept sales down. but i don't know if i'm talking out my ass or if my stuff isn't that appealing. because i haven't sold anything to anyone who wasn't a friend in a couple months now. and i have to stop making stuff soon, i have it everywhere, on shelves, tables . . . it has to be stored safely, each piece and that takes up room.

and the money. i can't even buy postage for what i need to send out. i spent the money on a special order. and that is another friend.

is my advertising off? my ebay layouts? my prices too high (which i doubt, i lose a little on everything since i can't factor in paying for my time or it would be too high for ebay)?

i've asked a couple of "friends" with experience in such a thing but they don't have the time to look at my ebay store. i guess that is the downfall of being successful, you have no time for anyone else and laugh at their efforts and how they fail. yeah, i'm pretty down on myself.

overcompensating for that by manically going through the computer hardware and sorting out what is junk, cleaning . . . anything to take my mind off the fact that everything i make is sitting here and i don't know how to fix that and i am seeing an end to my making stuff because this is a hobby that takes money.

and all of this on top of the recent expense of securing the mnj URL and i'm deep in a hole i can't be in. i get enough money to live. anything that is saved is from doc's pay. anything that goes up front for crafts comes out of that. so i have squandered a piece of our future and present on an enterprise that is failing miserably.

and when i look at that i look at everything i have done online, all of it being failed. not even spectacularly.

i am so tired of being appealing to no one (okay less than 20 people), no matter what way i express it. there it is. 20 people is not enough for what i am doing. as much as i love those 20 people, they cannot support me and i wouldn't want them to. underground is nice, unless you have to pay $230 a month for medication, after the insurance pays it's part.

this is not a woe is me. this is a vent and a question to the universe: what am i doing wrong and is there any chance i could get it right?

the past month has shown me that i could get ahead if i lie, cheat, steal, disregard those who care for me and any number of ugly things. and all i have to say is: really?

x-posted to my blog because i really really want to know