doc won $600 in a spin thing at the casino where he cashes his checks.
i get my teeth fixed!!!!!!!!! two, no three holes in my face closed up and my permanent bridge. i'm not afraid of being able to eat again. still the appetite is gone and so are the constant insane cravings. i am so happy.
that is definitely the biggest one time win for us. we've won a couple hundred here and there when we first moved here. and this didn't even take a quarter, just a free spin for cashing the check. cool.
it is drying overnight. then i will use my best OCDness to use a q-tip to clean off the tiles. it will look so gorgeous. i think i'll do silk flower buds at the top (i didn't have enough beach glass to cover the whole thing, so i left the top . . . oh you have no idea what i'm talking about anyway.
i talk this stuff out or i write it out. talking it out results in heavy sighs and death glances from doc. he understands that i have no one to talk to five days a week, but he can't take my incessant meaningless jabbering.
jess could. or she could hide wanting to strangle me well.
- i am not agoraphobic because my parents live in the same town. i am agoraphobic. i am also fat enough that litereally the only clothes that fit me are old and have holes in them. okay? good
- i am not bothered by what is going on with the emails and my brothers. i am going fucking nutz at how other people are reacting. and especially doc, telling me how i feel about it and being completely wrong.
- i am not crazy, talkative, nonsensical, rambling, silly, or anything else just to bug anyone. not doc not anyone. this is how i am. after 8 fucking years you'd think he'd either leave me or shut the fuck up about it.
if i hear one more time from him how i speak in rythym like i am performing when i have not performed for four years, i will open a vein and bleed on his favorite white shirt.
and that goes for everyone else.
i have to move away because of some fucking emails?!?!?
i'd rather stay here in a group home. or on the fucking streets than to lose control once again over my life.
if i'm that bad, take me to sparks, and drop me off at the state hospital.
and fuck this world of fucking fucks.
and really, when someone is telling you how they feel, don't laugh in their face. okay, don't laugh in mine. i do that when i want to pay the highest insult. 11 hours at work are not long enough for me to forgive doc for that this morning.
he wants something i do not. so it has finally come down to i can't make decisions for myself. i didn't marry my dad, i married a blend of both parents. now it is all going to fall back on "she really can't take care of herself, i really need to be making the decisions for her". and do we run forever like my parents did. like my sister does? we all have places we'd like to run from. but it doens't make ANY difference. you are you and i am i no matter where we are. there we are.
maybe i should just sit back and watch it all happen around me. maybe i should fight the madness less. maybe i should just relax and be grateful that i don't have to make big decisions. just make my little things and be happy with it. i wonder which medication does that.
the people downstairs are flipping out.
the one guy is in the parking lot hiding in his car
and the couple are going at it with sledge hammers, it sounds
i hope no one gets hurt.