April 23rd, 2005

2013, cyd, new

the blonde is gone!

my hair is now red again. dark dark red. and the cut is now just fucked up. no real style, some anti frizz and a shake of the head, it just goes where it goes. strange to have dark hair again, not just roots. a bit shocking again how pale i am. yikes. if i were skinny i'd be really cute!
2013, cyd, new

wanna leave the mormon church?

they dare you

other's have had their estranged parents brought in after a request to leave. some don't get a written warning, they just get people on their door steps.

the public wonders how they can baptize the dead . . . well, think of it like AOL, only a religion. you can't just quit without going through a bunch of hoops, which is just their way of controlling you a bit longer.
2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i'm starting to feel more stable. the hallucinations have definitely faded to mere bothersome things. i see dr c on monday. i'll tell him how my month was, all the paranoia and suicidal thinking. all of the hopeless wandering in circles. see what he has to say about it.

it is really the paranoia. that is what fucks me up the most, the fastest. being afraid of things that should not even phase me. obsessively worrying about things i know are stupid (yesterday's fear of the place burning down while we were out was completely misplaced, as i could actually remember there was nothing left burning). it bothers the shit out of me. it makes me disconnect. so no one can hurt me . . . or no one can trigger me to hurt myself. i can't let anyone in when i'm like this. and in fact push everyone away. that is another part of the paranoia i don't like. and how all consuming it can be, yet so subtle.