Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

once i got tired of slicing and dicing i got the hard drive to work and played around and started to reinstall all the shit i lost on the other computer. it's all a mess, but i decided to work with it. so i play around for an hour or so and suddenly it tells me on a restart that the extra drive is corrupted.

I GIVE THE FUCK UP. I'M NOT TRYING ANYMORE. WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS. CONSIDER ME AND INERTIA BEST BUDS.

and that's all, i won't even go into the dozens of my CDs that i can't find. and how all my music is in the drive over at B's. i got the drive giving me shit now from hiim or his brother and can probably recoup, but shit, man. i don't even trust it, it could be the motherboard fucking with my head. yes, i'm that paranoid. and yes, i did take my afternoon meds. if not, this place would be covered with blood.

cry for help, but that goes with every entry, doesn't it? besides, nothing done today could help for tomorrow and the next day i'm out of happy pills. and what if the pills donn't take this away? i'm running out of real estate here. i stick with easy stuff, arms and hands. it's worked for 20+ years, i am a killer actress, i can lie like no one's business.

people who have seen me lie can never be with me afterwards, they always get afraid i'm lying to them and they don't know it.

the computer just died on me again. fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me

NOTHING IS EASY even for you guys, somethings have to be easy, there has to be somehting in your life that you can remember going right. i can't all i see is fucking faiilure. and here i am bringing you down. that sucks of me.

but fuck it and fuck me and fuck the world and fuck my mother for not aborting me or deserting me like she did my older brother. fuck her the most. if i could see her now i would rip her fucking heart out through all that fat and gore. i would rip her fucking heart right the fuck out and eat it in her last seconds of liife. the last thing she will see is me eating her heart. this is all her fault. she is the one who couldn't keep off the thrill rides and drugs and cigarettes while pregnant with me. fuck her steel heart for not caring the mess she made.

i'm her only real daughter. i am her in so many ways. but instead of marrying a loser, i am the loser. every bad gene she gave me, every time she ignored me as a child. this is her fault to this day. and i look in the mirror and i see her, i'm even getting fat like she did, gradually and constantly. i see her in my face, i see her in my ugly haircut. i hear her in my voice and hear her beliefs coming out of my mouth. i hear her manipulation in my own words.

so yeah, my computer played with me and broke again. i give up. i just give the fuck up. what do i need to be a digital artist for? what do i need with photoshop and dreamweaver? i can just let my website languish for another few years (ive noticed it works for the likes of ana voog), i don't need to update or make anything different. why resize and edit bad pictures for ebay what do i need any of that for? and a media player? clearly i am asking the moon of the sun.

i fucking hate myself and here you all got to see it live. i'll probably delete it out of embarassment if and when i come down from this rage. or maybe i'll leave it up as a warning to anyone new who is fool enough to read this.
Tags: head case
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