Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

a change of mood - internet siege (early journals)

or, better put, a mood at all. i've been cheerier since last night. apparently getting up and taking control of my environment by cleaning helped me out.

i also started to remember some of the time in the hospital. like the moment when they took me into the emergency room and doc left, per our agreement. getting back these memories has set my mind at ease.

i had my first real panic attack last night. i was convinced i smelled something burning and couldn't get to sleep until i took a xanax and let it do its magic.

today R hired some day laborers to load the heavy stuff into the truck that u-haul finally coughed up (long and bitter story that ends with "read the fine print more than the big print"). tomorrow R will be gone. she gave me a stuffed otter and child otter with the bandana of one of her dogs tied around its neck. i'm gonna miss that girl.

i just figured out how i'm going to organize some stuff. cool. i'm going to go do that. i feel the motivation to clean coming on.

i hope everyone is having a good day. =}


a few days later . . . .

my modem isn't modeming so i have no internet connection. day in the life.

the past few days have been good. i've eaten well, napped when neccessary and taken care of myself. a couple of nights ago we walked up to the grocery store to do our shopping and then took the bus back. i'm still no good on long outings, i get freaked a bit. but this was fun, it reminded me of another time and i'm getting shore house deja vu. these are all great things.

the infamous wage garnishment is complete. doc should have his driving liscense back any time now. with the car out of comission, it won't do him much good, but you never know when someone is going to lend you a car for a day. it would be nice if we could accept such an offer.

since iv'e conquered the kitchen and the living room (which is uncluttered and spotless for the first time in over a year), i think i'm ready for this room, my room. an hour with a big ass garbage bag should make an incredible difference.

i need to get my internet back. =}

the eigth, day five of the internet siege. i fear we will have to buy a new cable modem. i don't know why it stopped working, and neither does the cable company, they don't see a modem on our end. piffle.

i've spent the morning listening to music and remembering stuff. every song that comes on that i remember the words to thrills me no end.

i don't know if anyone will be interested but i'm going to be writing down the hospital experience and the after effects and the possible future of my treatment plan. now that i'm starting to remember big chunks, i want it all written down. and this is the best place to do it.

doc told me i needed to just go nuts on the apartment and take it back, so to speak. i have felt like this isn't my place and it has effected everything i do. and everything i don't do.

so i took his advice and put on some hole real loud and cleaned the shit out of many things and then did some stuff for doc in photoshop and played with the new camera and studied my CDs and picked out much punk to work to. it was so great! it was so empowering and more and more of my memory is coming back.

it comes in random chunks, still, but at least it is returning.

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