Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i'm lonely. as unbelievable as that may sound, it's true.

i took off one of my bracelets when i got home last week and i haven't seen it since. it can't be far away, it's just an example of the really simple things escaping me.

we have to move the car to the other side of the complex tonight. i saw the notice when i went up to get the mail. my seroquel will be here tomorrow. it's like a convection oven outside. 107 plus 20 mph winds. and these are hot winds. i noticed the pool and hot tub are drained. i wonder if they plan to open those back up this year. last year for part of the season, it was only open during the day. then they closed it completely. i only swim at night, so it has been a while since i've been in our pool. but they repaved the parking lot and they are painting it today and tomorrow, plus they came in and installed safer outlets in the kitchen. things are looking up. so long as we can get the car moved so it doesn't get towed, things will be good.

i've been thinking to what end did i go to the hospital? nothing has improved, and i'm walking around with an electrified brain now. what was i hoping to accomplish, and more importantly, what did i accomplish? i was terrified when i went up to get the mail. and i nearly exploded when the maintenance guys said hello to me (there was a funny incident when they came to install the new outlets, we didn't get the notice and were in the living room, mostly naked, when the guys came busting in and i ran around pulling on pants and hiding the hookah before realizing we had been smoking tobacco out of it and it could have stayed where it was - much hilarity). then some people had the nerve to smile and be polite to me on the way back from the mailbox and i nearly popped again. i'm so nervous. and needy.

and could i be sick longer? i'm really tired of my body treating any food as an infectious disease and expelling it in the most violent ways possible. and frankly, i would kill for a nice big gulp coke right now. i know it is the wrong thing for me, and i really don't see me walking up and buying one, even if i could find my mac card, but it would sure taste good right about now. i'm so tired of cold water. i got really spoiled at the hospital with the ice and water machine and five gallon drum of sugar free lemonade. our ice has sediment in it, so i don't use it in my drinks. i'm not sure why, it just skeeves me.

ahh, i just looked up on a shelf and found two things i need for the bracelet i sold on ebay. there's some more weight off my mind. i stress so easily because i am so afraid i'm going to forget what ever it is i am stressing about until it is too late to do anything about it. wow. i have never been so full of self doubt. and i've made some fucking huge mistakes in my life, really bolluxed things up. but this . . . this is just complete lack of faith in myself. and it sucks. and at the same time i know i am the only one who can do anything about it. scary shit, kids. i wish i had been average.

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