Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers


i start thinking about it and i can't stop and it becomes the only thing in my mind until i do it and i'm going nuts so i'm about to do it and i know i'll feel shame afterwards and have another scar, but one doesn't last long and the other is in good company.

ETA: i think about the mormon temples i have been in. the shame and hatred of doing baptisms for unwilling dead people. i think about taking the sacrement and what a joke it seemed like at an early age. all i could think about was how many teenaged boys touched the bread as they were breaking it and the delicateness of the little plastic cups of water were. these are the demons that come out when i hurt myself. i never noticed it until today, since i'm trying to take an analytical approach to what i am doing and why. i think of church, mormon church. flashbacks of meetings and classes and activities.

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