Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

freak monsters

the cats are running laps around the place.

i have no stress today. i know, it's still early. but no, really. i'm paying the rent on time in person; a billing issue i was afraid of worked out; i am well stocked in the wants and needs department . . . and, well, if i can find something to do that i can stick to and concentrate on, this will shape up into a nice day.

and the sun is out.

and i want to write. i feel compelled to write, that's more accurate. the words haven't come to me, but i may go looking for them. maybe i am still a writer of the creative bend. i haven't been worried about not writing anymore. i have no discernable identity right now, so not being a writer didn't really bother me. i'm not anything right now. i'm in flux, waiting for the right current, as it were.

wow, i think i may have found something to write about. i don't feel like cydniey. i haven't for a long time. i haven't lived up to the persona i created and nurtured. artist, writer, poet, designer . . . i feel like none of those things.

i cut myself off from people four years ago. and i thrive off people. my live readings were what i lived for. making things pretty and making jewelry was all right for a while, but i need people again. a lot of what inspiration i had, left when jess left my life. that was a long time ago and i didn't really realize it until just now.

i don't know how to get people back into my life. i am completely clueless. i don't go out to meet people, and i don't sit at the computer enough to be available for chat. i obviously need to change a few things in my life. i am not content anymore to just be alive. i need to be a part of things. i want to be a part of society again. not all of society and not a big part. i'm not looking to change the world, just be a part of it again.

it isn't that i'm lonely, everyone is lonely sometimes. i need people to share ideas with, just in normal conversation. friends are invaluable inspiration to me. ordinary conversations can turn into the best idea i've ever had.

i also feel like i am ready to be a friend without inflicting myself on people. i don't feel like such a drain on another person anymore (though i do sap doc's strength, but he deals with me full time, hee). i feel like i can give to a conversation, or relationship, as much as i take.

so, having taken down the wall i built around me, i guess i'll clean up the demo today. hee.
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