Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i guess it isn't limited to morning

went for a walk and noticed it isn't just the morning when the bums and the meth heads are out. really the only people walking around where i walked are homeless or mentally ill (i'm judging by obvious signs). made me feel right at home and goddamned grateful i had a home to walk home to.

i don't think i've ever loved this little apartment more than when i walked in with the groceries. it is nice and comfortable and though cluttered, it is clean.

and it even smells clean. i steam cleaned the rest of the living room carpet and febreezed all around and lit some nag champa . . . it smells comfortable and like home.

i'm so insanely happy for so many simple things. i'm still giggly over the new mop and broom and use them every chance i get. simple things make me happy now. i feel happiness, and not just a fleeting laughing fit over something, but real contentment.

and it seems like every time i step outside my door, i find a reason to be happy that i live where i do and that i am living at all. i've gone beyond survival into true living. with its highs and lows, certainly. but to have a full range of feelings and not be a zombie and to feel motivated. i'm thankful to whatever fates conspired to send me this medicinal relief.

i had a brief meltdown yesterday, out of frustration, but the ever patient doc talked me down. and today has been really good. no irrational fears have gripped me and i feel good. the walk was incredible, mild weather just perfect for a trot and enough wind to counteract the fumes from the traffic on the roads, which had just started to get heavy. i had a bit of anxiety about crossing the roads where i had to, but the cross lights did me just fine and nothing bad came close to happening. in all, a terribly successful outing. i'm pretty proud of myself. and maybe doc will be more lenient with me going out more. it would be much better for him if i were responsible for my soda and cigs.

i also stopped at the post office, where we are blessed with really friendly people behind the counter. i mailed off my ebay stuff and zuma's CDs. that's another thing i like to have control of. and another thing that doc doesn't have to worry about.

it is taking this DMV website three years to load a page. i guess for free forms to circumvent going to the office, it is well worth it. i can leave the room and do stuff i want to do.

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