Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

no system works

if had known at 13, when i first started getting needed attention for psychiatric issues what my life would be like i never would have botched my first suicide attempt. i would have been dead at 15 like my sister. and the world would have been a better place maybe, maybe not.

if i believed in god i could blame this all on him, it is just a test. the universe is testing me, karma is coming around. no. the human race, on a large scale, is failing everyone around them. we as a race suck, and i hope every day that we make it to evolve into one of the popular sci fi ideal futures or something like it. but really. if god and i had looked down and talked about this part of the century, i think i would have defected right there. hellfire is not worth this.

i never would have gotten old enough to fall so deeply in love that i couldn't walk away when i wanted to.

yeah, i know, what if. this will all pass, because that is what it does, it passes. each crisis ends eventually. there are bigger battles i've fought and won lately that this should not phase me as it does. but dammit, i have insurance, i have medicare, there is no reason on this planet that should keep my doctor from getting paid. nothing.
Tags: head case

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