the depression is paralyzing, getting rid of it frees me. and clears my head to think. and there is a lot of thinking. a lot of talking things out with doc. a lot of knowing i need a therapist.
and the symptoms of the psychosis are easier to see. and more annoying. but that lets me fix it, now that i know it is a part of things.
lucidity is golden.
i've had to ask myself, am i ready to be better? i've been sympathy driven for a long time. but unlike growing up, the real world is capable of positive feedback, as you all so often show, not just in my journal but in many other things.
i think i am ready to be the person i built again. and i'm ready to admitt that person was not destroyed. there was not complete devastation, as i thought. there was only neglect and the accompanying decay. starting from scratch seems easier in most things, and maybe it would be here as well, but that isn't the scenario. i didn't die inside. i just got really confused and shut down non-vital parts of me.
opening it up and cleaning it up again are what i face. reconstruction. i've made a hurricane zone out of my persona. luckily i have journals and recordings and pictures and i can see what it was that i shut out of my life and bring it back in, one item at a time so as to do things right and get them situated.
in a good going story, i've lost some weight. for the cause of my unending heartburn and the sake of continued weight loss i'm going on a rather restrictive diet of protien shakes and meal supplements. so i expect this to be a trend. hopefully in all this new undirected motivation i have, i can aim some of it at working out and going for walks again. the days are getting longer and warmer and more conducive to exploring.