Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

a matter of degrees

i put everything on getting back on lamictal and once on it realized that it isn't everything.

the depression is paralyzing, getting rid of it frees me. and clears my head to think. and there is a lot of thinking. a lot of talking things out with doc. a lot of knowing i need a therapist.

and the symptoms of the psychosis are easier to see. and more annoying. but that lets me fix it, now that i know it is a part of things.

lucidity is golden.

i've had to ask myself, am i ready to be better? i've been sympathy driven for a long time. but unlike growing up, the real world is capable of positive feedback, as you all so often show, not just in my journal but in many other things.

i think i am ready to be the person i built again. and i'm ready to admitt that person was not destroyed. there was not complete devastation, as i thought. there was only neglect and the accompanying decay. starting from scratch seems easier in most things, and maybe it would be here as well, but that isn't the scenario. i didn't die inside. i just got really confused and shut down non-vital parts of me.

opening it up and cleaning it up again are what i face. reconstruction. i've made a hurricane zone out of my persona. luckily i have journals and recordings and pictures and i can see what it was that i shut out of my life and bring it back in, one item at a time so as to do things right and get them situated.

in a good going story, i've lost some weight. for the cause of my unending heartburn and the sake of continued weight loss i'm going on a rather restrictive diet of protien shakes and meal supplements. so i expect this to be a trend. hopefully in all this new undirected motivation i have, i can aim some of it at working out and going for walks again. the days are getting longer and warmer and more conducive to exploring.
Tags: head case

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