Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

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i'm grounded

remember last night i said i let two girls in and let them give their speil?

bad cydniey.

i'm not to let anyone in i don't know. people out there prey on people like me. they could have been friends of my brothers. bad bad bad.

today my keys are gone. hrmph. i'm going for a walk tomorrow. doc wants me to get a ride from R, which is why my keys are gone today because i refused to ask R for a ride. i can't ask people for things usually. it takes a lot. sometimes, even if people offer things, i will say no just out of politeness. R has a standing offer to take me somewhere if i need it.

anyway, then he tells me we are going to the dentist and taking the bus. we're taking the bus together and he has done the busses, so he is familiar with the stop and the route and everything. i'm just being a scaredy cat.

i hate it when i get caught using bad judgement, especially when i see nothing wrong with it at the time. then later i realize how incredibly i misread things sometimes.

things that remind me i'm not normal bug me no end. i can't be trusted sometimes. doc doesn't tell me that, he is very patient when i am adamant about things i don't remember but did happen, or vice versa . . . but i know it. i know there are rules i have to follow to keep out of day care. especially with our new insurance, they will pay for day care. and that is nothing i want anything to do with. i hate my peers, i can't stand crazy people. i can't stand myself half the time.

i stay home and do my home stuff. and i have an art studio with unending supplies for almost anything i can make. and i have movies and tv (cable internet is cheaper if you have basic cable, so we do) and plenty of things to keep me busy. there is no reason to go wandering off or answering the door to strangers.

yeah, i sound like an 8 year old. but that is about where my judgement and character analysis pretty much stopped. i got to a point where i didn't question anything i just acted. questioning meant thinking about it. now i have trapped myself in that time.

i can't wait to start seeing a psychologist and start getting over the issues. the medication can only do so much. as we have seen, if even one component of my medication is messed up i fall all apart. so i know that if the medication weren't here, i'd be a fucked up mess. i need to clean some of that mess.

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