Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

more than you need to know

i don't take showers. not since the last hospitalization when i was assaulted. strangely enough the assault didn't happen in the shower, it happened on my bed. but the showers there scared me. they made so much noise that you couldn't hear someone walk in. that put the scare into me. and it hasn't left. occasionally i feel like i can't do the bath thing anymore and i will take a shower, once i have secured doc to sit in the room and talk to me the whole time, and some xanax.

i was just thinking about this because i just shaved my legs and it was really akward and made me stop and think about why i was doing it this way, why not go into the shower. that thought left a rather sizeable cut in one leg, gotta remember razors don't go sideways. there may be value in not thinking of something that scares the shit out of you while you have sharp things.

i feel like an 8 year old a lot of the time. always waiting so someone can accompany me. it will be easier tomorrow because i have my CD player from my camel cash. and i'm burning CDs now for it and for gifts for a couple of people. CDs i can afford. and with the book that sold yesterday, i can afford the postage.

and yes i could stop paying for cable internet. though since any money i make, i make from ebay and other online sources that would really be shooting myself in the foot.

we don't pay for a car, or insurance since our car doesn't work. we're bad budgeters. yes. but we don't spend money on anything other than food and bills. we don't go out to eat. i don't miss it. i just feel pathetic for saying things like 'i can't afford xmas cards'. but that includes family, who are called during the free minutes. actually our entire phone bill is his parents and my sister and a couple of friends. so we don't spend money on that.

i even got to a point where i stopped buying materials and just working with what i have, which is a rather nice, if eclectic collection of beads and findings.

ooh, my CD is done.
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