Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

see, now oops

i so did not want this to happen, the cf_hardcore mod is pissed that i was there, even though i'd already outed myself, this is so my fault and i am so pissed at myself for not lying or doing it under a different screen name. i left when defriended because it is right. according to the rules.

so i just sent the mod this email:

i've been in the com for a while now, and came out then and offered to
leave. i wasn't taken up on it, so i thought my presence wasn't minded.
i would have never started a thread if i knew you'd been gone and that
is why i was still friended. i'm really sorry.

bummer, yours is the only community worth it, and there is no way in
hell i would saddle myself with creating my own which would be just a
shadow of cf_hardcore anyway.

from another heartless bitch

and i put the heartless bitch in because she mentioned she was, and there is a heartless bitch website and i'm registered on it and stuff, and i was trying to make things better but didn't realize how mad she was and now i'm hoping she doesn't skim it and read that first and get more pissed and . . . jesus fuck i should have left that community as soon as i read the rules all the way through.

little shit like this i just beat myself over the head over. because it is lj and it is avoidable and i can't just know my place in every little piece of the world, i have to push it. i have to try. and now someone has come home from her vacation to this and gotten upset and i so didn't mean for any of it. i wish i had the patience to go back and find where i posted before, to show . . . shit.

edit: and leave it to me to read the comments. okay so fucking humiliating. god why couldn't i have been embarrassed when i first joined and was honest about it and wondered if it was okay? why let it go for months until i feel comfortable. i guess to get a good look at who was just being an asshole to me when they posted . . . how long could they have dragged that out for? why don't i just lie and be a cunt. i get treated like a lying cunt. too bad i can't just be one, it must be fun, you know, for all the pain and nastiness i'd like to get something in return.

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