cydniey

yes, i made it 60 days. i haven't gone to a meeting to get my tag, that will be saturday or next. still no sponsor, i keep hoping.

i'm on my way to 90 days and i feel good about it. i need to get a new notebook calendar, mine ends at july. dollar store purchase. walmart should have them. i have a shrink appointment in september and though i have it on our wall calendar, i'm paranoid i will forget about it. i forget everything that isn''t in my face.

only a few more appoitments and i get my front teeth back. i'm tired of not smiling at people. i may look formidable, but i'm a smily person.

i'm also a fat anorexic, i only eat when doc is around to force me to and i'm still getting fatter. i need to start walking, but going outside alone is creepy. and very hard to do.

i'm waiting for the maintenance guy to get here and fix the kitchen sink. and i don't even know if he's coming today.

over the weekend i decided to fast for a couple of days this week and then start slimfast. i'm finishing up the last of my useless trimspa. and i may start walking around the complex for exercise.

over the weekend, doc made brownies. mean mean man. though they are put away and if i don't see them i won't eat them.

i got a good look at myself in the mirror and i am now ready to comitt to losing the seroquel weight. i've also been advised of a drug that may curb my appetite, that i'm going to look into.

seeing all the old cam pics from my skinny days also brought this on.

when i started seroquel, and then when i went back on it a year later, i kind of resigned myself to the weight gain. but i realize now i'm really deeply unhappy with the way i look. it isn't just not having clothes to wear because i, up until recently, refused to buy myself "fat" clothes. i have clothes now. and i'm still dismayed by the way i look. my body, that is. on my face i just miss my jawbone and cheekbones. they are there, though. underneath.

enough of that.

the other night we had Spot out to play while T was over and he discovered what felt like a tumor on her neck. we got all bummed out and i declared no more hamsters, too heartbreaking. then i checked her a little while ago and the lump was gone, she just had something in her cheek! cheekie hamster. so now i take back my no more hamsters declaration.

and speaking of hamsters, visit my "hamsters past and present" gallery. such cute little creatures.