cydniey

M says i watch too much BBC America.
i say he watches too much wrestling.
we do not agree with each other
i tell him i'm an anglophile
i come from anglophiles

i talked to my nana yesterday
then i talked to my brother
my parents left to go on a cruise to alaska
with my nana, she didn't mention it
my brother, brat number one, johnny
invited me over, assuring me
he could find me a ride
said he did something stupid
lost his car
i told him we lost ours in a similar
though not jail related incident

the weather man said more rain
though i don't know if it will be
daytime or night time
we've had lightning rich
rainstorms
though i have to say
if the power is going to go out
as it did last night
i'd rather it happen during the day

i got a call from brat#1 today, he wanted me to have his cell number. he also wanted to come over and hang out. i told him doc was still angry and that wouldn't work, but maybe we could go out sometime. i'm thinking the double down.

doc of course is mad at me for telling the brat that doc won't let him come around. but it's the truth

brat also gave me an update on dad, he's feeling better and is back at work today.

i'm going to throw up. just the hint of doc's anger gets me all worked up now, i really don't know why i tell him, i feel like i'm lying if i don't tell him.

see, while all that bruhaha was going on with my parents, i passed the 30 day mark. tomorrow i go and get my second 30 day tag. fuck yeah! i'm going to make it to 90 this time and beyond. i'm so stoked, i made it thirty days without even trying. i'll admitt that on my birthday i wanted to use, but i didn't, i read my books and kept it together.

i told doc about talking to my dad in the hospital. we had a long talk. he wanted a good reason, and the best was that maybe now they would appreciate me. when i was growing up they adopted a parcel of kids and i was relegated to the position of baby sitter, they didn't love or appreciate me, that and i wanted a family. doc was livid and he talked to me for a long time. he didn't mind me talking to my mom and even going out to lunch with her, after my dad died. that was a condition i was unhappy with.

so i'll do what i do. and maybe not tell him. he seems to be begging me to lie to him. which i can't do. i'm all conflicted. my solution is to concentrate on me. get a sponsor this weekend, R raised her hand when T asked about sponsors and i feel a connection with her, so if she is still willing, i'm going for it. i could have used someone this week to talk to and i've put off getting a sponsor for a long time. too long. and my parents have no part in my recovery, so concentrating on me and my recovery will keep me out of trouble.

i've talked to my dad a couple of times today and he's doing much better. surgery went well and his heart made it through.

it's so nice to talk to my parents, again, i am conflicted. also good to talk to brat number one.

doc is thinking it is not so nice. i see his point, but i'm grown up now, and so are they. i don't want them to grow old with all but brat #1 running off or dying.

maybe it's a mistake, only time tells with them, but things are going well, and i'm forever optomistic about them. everything happened so long ago.

i want a family, too. flaws and all.

i'm glad my dad is okay. i was relieved when my mom called last night and filled me in. i was also relieved when i heard my dad's voice today.

my dad is in the hospital with a massive bacterial infection, in emergency surgery, which . . . my dad may well be dying.

holy conflicted.

i'm so . . . i just don't know.

my mom sounded so mellow. like the past ten years have softened her some. i told her at the end that i loved her, she returned it. i put myself out there saying it. i told her i was sorry for the way things ended, and she said it wasn't the end, just a pause. we talked a lot about kelly leaving and the finding of tripper.

doc doesn't want to hear about it. and i don't care. i wanted my mommy. at the meeting saturday, a lot of people talked about having lost their mothers and how hard mother's day was going to be. and between that and nana's comments, i missed my mommy.

she's letting me in on my own terms. i can call her, or not. i'd like to talk to her about my recovery with her, but i don't know if she'd be into it.

she told me that dad's and algebra teacher now. sounds like he got some schooling over the past ten years.

i guess i've mellowed, too.

mom told me some things about tripper's boyfriend that got me really concerned about her safety. even the repo man can't find her or her car. my mom said they had people looking for her. online they are running about a year and a half behind her. i had thought she was more sophisticated than mom seems to think she is.

doc is afraid i'll get sucked into the drama. brat number one won't leave the house, and i won't go there while he's there. quite frankly, he scares me. and i'm pretty sure he's still on drugs and i don't want to be around that. that's the drama, and i want no part of it.

on my own terms, i got my mom back.