cydniey

i have an appointment with my
new shrink next week.
and one with my therapist
three weeks from now.
i took long enough to do it.
i had to be pushed to going
to the dentist
it's my fault he sucked
and o didn't want to walk away
from what i had already paid

i'm not doing well
too many voices from the tv
voices only i hear

montevista
(the hospital i go to when i need downtime)
called this morning and i guess scared doc
he fumbled with the phone and cut them off
they called right back, they just needed an
address confirmation so they could
send us a check, some sort of refund
so i talked to her and got it sorted

i thought . . . i'm thinking
i don't know. i do, i know what
blow to my self esteem it was
but it isn't to me to fix me
i have to wait on someone else
to fix the problem
i'd like to, really i would but
he's too shut down

i talked to the billing person from my shrink and she had billed the wrong company. $635 off my back. still that's a lot of money for 15 minutes. i should have stayed in college. i could be a completely dysfuncuntional interior designer. and charge many monies per hours. not like my shrink, but many monies.

now is the time to get doc into a school. something online. it relies on my etsy stuff. i swear i'll sit down and do some listings today. i can list two goddess dolls and some jewelry without dealing with the camera. it hates me. maybe i can fix the little one. trade memory cards and see if i can get the pictures and such off of it. i think i have some videos to youtube. but in the meantime i have pictures of stuff to use.

i forgot some stuffing for the dolls. i have a few old pillows that have gone through the wash and come out not looking so good. the stuffing was all balled up.


it occurs to me that the biller got it right the first time, it's just the second time she fucked it up. i put the information on the billing sheet. spaz. people are so very strange.

my doctor doesn't take my new insurance. on the one hand i'm free to find a doctor that is closer. on the other, rather burnt to a crisp hand, it sucks to lose my doctor. i still need to call my therapist and see if he takes the insurance. this could be catastrophic. my therapist were on the brink of a breakthrough, we were done with all the pleasantries and ready to get to the meat of the matter. i have to call and see if he takes the new insurance.

yes, my therapist takes my insurance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that takes such a load off my mind.

the new digital cable has me enthralled. i particularly like the music channels.

now, to find a shrink. my bus up the hill is gone, they stopped the route for reasons i cannot fathom. i guess it was not their biggest money maker. but a lot of handicapped people on it and i don't know what's going to happen to them.

i've made a pretty long post here, and i'm starting to fade from the pain killer i took for my teeth.

no cookies this year. my diet is being too regulated and i wouldn't want to have them around if i can't have them.

but too the subject, i'm scared. friday i have an early morning appointment with my shrink. M is taking me to the appointment, i have no way home and it's kind of far away. doc keeps showing me bus schedules and i'm not absorbing them. i'm terrified.

that's all that i have today: fear.

ETA: it's Snowing At My Home, i was just walking in it. snow, wow. cool. i am cheered up.

i wish someone would remove my joints and a few of my muscles. due to a mailing error i've run out of the medication that stops the side effects of the other medication. i feel like i can't move or i'll break something. i know i won't, it's just a feeling i've got with this epic soreness. i told doc it was no big deal. and after the tylenol kicks in, i'll forget all about it.

the rain has left us and we are blue sky, i mean really blue sky and chilly temperatures. this is the reason i moved here. no clouds constantly or snow that shuts down everything. just blue sky forever. i loved the rain because we needed it but i'm glad it's over.

i have to find a new shrink. i think i'll call the mental health line my insurance has and see if i can't find a close doctor who can see me in a month or two at the most. i get to find a dentist and get rid of this jack o' lantern smile of mine. i want teeth again. i hate going out or talking to people, this has been a real hit to my pride and my self esteem. and being scared by that dentist was the best thing to happen to me. through a clause in the dental policy, since i didn't incur any bills (the one appointment i went to i got billed for because the insurance denied it) on the crappy plan, we can upgrade to the good plan. the one where i have to pay for part of my bill, but have all dental options open to me. that starts in january. can't come soon enough.

things with doc and i are better but eggshelly, we circle around each other more than we fight. i say this having just had a small fight with him. he wants me to sign his check and i so didn't want to do it, but if he gives permission . . . what can i say? i don't want to miss my therapy today. i really want to go in and update my therapist, it's been months since i've gone to therapy.

here's the rub, i already left a message to cancel, and then all i could do is leave another message not cancelling. and keep trying to get through. hopeless doctors group doesn't generally answer the phone. god, i do the stupidest things. i shouldn't have done anything without consulting doc. damnit. i'll just show up for my appointment and hope all is well.

and i'll write the check. i'm so sick of all the hassle that surrounds everything i do. so much self drama. oy.

ETA: i got that all sorted and only need to come up with 20 bucks.

doc just called. good news/bad news. good news first: we could go to my favorite asian buffet off the strip tonight and ask M if he wanted to go (i should have seen it coming, but my meds are just hitting me and i'm in my dumb as a bag of hair phase). bad news next: did i look in the mail on the couch? no i did not. one letter was from my shrink explaining that she was leaving the group and moving to one across town that is too far away for me to bus to alone. my next appointment with her will be my last.

she's the first shrink to really "get" me. she finally gave me the appropriate diagnosis, she sees through the mask, takes copious notes after the session, and is all around a great shrink.

now i have to break a new one in. and do it quickly, my social security review is coming up. i have to make sure the new doc gets old shrink's file on me.

i hope doc is prepared to go to the asian buffet on the bus if necessary. it's only just up the hill and the weather is great here. it's 78 degrees at 11am, pretty nice, by evening it will be long sleeve weather.

i can't believe i'm using my shrink. she was going to be there to help me after rehab.

at least i still have my therapist. he'll be there for me after rehab. he'll know me before and after.

why do i keep losing doctors? sure, i left one, but i've lost three not counting the one i kicked to the curb.

i hope my books get here today, that would be nice. i'm looking forward to reading "children of the self absorbed", speaking of therapy.

Aeryn - Farscape