cydniey

i have an appointment with my
new shrink next week.
and one with my therapist
three weeks from now.
i took long enough to do it.
i had to be pushed to going
to the dentist
it's my fault he sucked
and o didn't want to walk away
from what i had already paid

i'm not doing well
too many voices from the tv
voices only i hear

montevista
(the hospital i go to when i need downtime)
called this morning and i guess scared doc
he fumbled with the phone and cut them off
they called right back, they just needed an
address confirmation so they could
send us a check, some sort of refund
so i talked to her and got it sorted

i thought . . . i'm thinking
i don't know. i do, i know what
blow to my self esteem it was
but it isn't to me to fix me
i have to wait on someone else
to fix the problem
i'd like to, really i would but
he's too shut down

sitting, watching horror movies
20 years of sitting, watching
horror movies

and in it, a lifetime lived
in between
maybe that's why i have
given up on having a life
of having a husband that
only loves me on a deep
level he can't or won't
access unless he really
really wants or has to

tech the cat has been
all but climbing the walls
to go out and eat the grass
he's even sniffing up
the other plants in his
super level of excitement

i left things pretty gloomy
they are not and were not
don't know why things
get so twisted up
in my head, so fucking
twisted and i don't know why

doc's around
i don't like him being
around when i'm writing here
this shit is so random
when he does read what i'm
typing, he doesn't get it

when one's medication stops one's period, it becomes very hard to know what is PMS and what is me just being a bitch
because i am being a bitch
i'm picking fights with doc left and right
and i'm in a generally low place
gah and rarr

i still can't find my farscape and firefly disk case
that's put me in a fouler mood than usual
i hate my memory. this should be easy
but nothing goes smooth,
why does nothing ever go smooth?

at least hulu has firefly
i haven't checked for firefly yet

the pool is closed again
maybe because of the lightning we've been getting
right now it's raining, hard.
i hate that it waited for doc to get off work
just in time for the storm
and i'm worried sick until he calls

i was happy this weekend
torchwood, james marsters
it was enough to ignore the deaths of two main characters

then there was a special on john barrowman,
i don't know his proper last name
but there was a special on him and i suddenly realized
he talks on torchwood with an american accent
and he's from scotland

happy thanksgiving for my american friends. happy almost the end of the week to my non american friends.

i got up so late, it was the rest of the parade or blueberry muffins. so i chose the last half hour of the parade. i'll make food once doc gets up.

doc came through as we all knew he would, and brought home a huge (to us) spiral cut ham.

the only downer is that we are out of coffee.

oh man, santa is in the square. i'm all teary eyed. i tear up over the weirdest things. santa's here (well, in NYC) and the holiday season has officially opened . . . . NOW GO TO MACY'S. okay, i'm old enough that i get that and still feel teary.

i'm torn about waking doc up. it's noon and it's a holiday and i want to be with him, but i want to let him sleep. so i'm torn.

M is gone for the day. famliy stuff.

okay, i'm dry. no more words.

Berlin - No More Words

i've turned on farsape, i heard palin's voice for an instant before switching over to DVD. and i'm reading none of my news feeds. keeping my promise to myself. no politics today. and as much as i love spending time with M, we may be in separate rooms watching different shows. maybe he has a movie or two to fill in the time before wrestling. then i'll watch the daily show, colbert report silliness and then it's all adult swim until sleep.

oh, and that thing about spending time with M sounded a little weird, so let me 'splain: neither doc nor i are involved with M on any level deeper than friend. they're both straight, for one, and for two, doc was a fluke, i like girls. though doc isn't very girlie, he's just a recovered hippie. so he's really sensitive, it's part of what made me love him, his biting wit was another. i mostly laugh when he uses it on me. i can't be mad with him for more than a half an hour, and usually less than that. i've tried, it doesn't stick.

wow, that was not meant to turn into a little doc essay question. anyway, no hanky panky with M. that's what i meant to say. right then.

i have a lot of books to read. 5 that are recent purchases that i need to get into and read. one of them is a psychological memoir and it is nothing like the psychological memoir i'm writing. how are conversations when in crisis able to be quoted back? mine isn't set up like that. i can't remember any of the conversations. i don't have a lot of narrative. it's mostly descriptions of what i went through at different times and the in between, it's hard to explain. part of me wants to get it published small press, but the deal AMB and i have is going all the way, with a book tour and interviews on different programs. we're not looking for an oprah seat she would likely hate my book, just a bit of recognition for me and exposure for both of us.

wow, all sorts of shit is just flowing out of my head. i think i'll take my meds now and just relax. later i'll need to wash my hair. that will take a nice long time. but the pain, you would think if one had my hair, one would get used to combing it out, and the associated pain, but one doesn't. at least not this one. it's a festival in pain unless i can be patient and leave the conditioner in long enough to work. i'm getting it cut soon. about two inches off the bottom to get rid of the damage, and then long layers. so i look less hippie-ish. and get maximum use of my curls and much less pain when combing my hair. it will be a bit fluffy, but that's why someone cool created hair product.

Depeche Mode - Just Can't Get Enough

i've been up since 7:30 this morning. i really have to find a way to stay up later at night. the early morning weirds me out. the thick menacing clouds are moving away, leaving a white striped blue sky.

happy halloween. i forgot there for a moment. it's a quiet night for us, kids don't trick or treat in the complex. they go across the street with their parents to the nice, older neighborhood. i didn't decorate for the holiday, mainly because i'm doing xmas really up this year. so i'm saving myself for that. since i know where all the xmas stuff is this year, i can go nuts.

for example, we got an item in the mail that was packed in with a massive amount of brown paper. so i told doc i would twist it up to make it easier to burn. once it was done and he saw it, we both had the brilliant idea at the same time, we would wrap it with lights and use it as a garland up the stairs outside. and i would use some of it to make a wreath, with some of my silk pointsettias collection. so, even doc got excited about the holidays for a few minutes.

i try to get some laughter out of him every day. whether it's tv or some website i found, at least a big smile. something, anything to see the man i love not in pain for an instant. i cause most of that pain, so i have a lot of guilt.

and i'm slacking off already, putting off emptying the dishwasher for two days. i'll make it up and empty and refill it and generally clean the kitchen. i also have laundry to fold and some to dry. i don't like doing it until everyone is out of the house. doc and i had a talk about that last night, while i was trying to explain why i did nothing on days when doc is home. when he's here, i just want to be next to him. needy much?

when he and M have gone to work i do things. some stuff i do at night, like vacuum. when M is home, he's not really here, right now he's got a game on his computer that he's really into.

i'm so sick of politics. i really am. this crap has been going on for almost two years. i just don't care anymore. the only reason i have the news on now is the number of infomecials on this early in the morning. i'm not listening to it, in fact, M is up, so gods know what he's going to find to watch. huzzah for M!

Alphaville - Forever Young

arg and rarr! i cannot find a disk i need to play the sims. arg to that. i spent a few hours last night shopping for a new video card and then sat down with doc (okay, i was sitting in the tub in a fetal position while he helped wash my hair) and talked about getting a new card so i could game because at least i would be thinking and interracting with something rather than watching tv. this is a good thing. then i told him it would cost about $200 and he said,l "i was not prepared for that" and i knew why, he wants to go see his parents soon. okay, so no video card.

we used to have a friend who had a friend at one of the big casino/hotels that got hand me downs from the tech department and would probably have some cherry thing for me. but i haven't talked to him for a long while. and i hate hate hate asking people for things. i've got more pride than i need.

so i will find that disk and ask permission to play spore on M's machine when he isn't home. and sims was crashing anyway, likely a problem with the video card as well. and i still have Tempest on M's PS2 left over from my Play Station. a classic. i suck at it, but that's half the fun, i've been playing it for a quarter of a century in one format or another and i have always sucked at it and always loved it.

i have to go to bed before doc, it's this weird thing i have. i just need to be asleep before he comes to bed, which has me going to bed at 9 at night and getting up at 9 in the morning. a bit of a change for my system. more hours to watch the news and the train crash that is the stock market. every morning they say it will bounce back that day, but it doesn't, and how much of a bounce do we need to set things right at this point?

and now that they are talking about corporations and payrolls being in trouble because of the short term loans that keep corporations afloat, i start to worry. doc works for a very large, international company, i worry. will they be affected by this?

speaking of doc, he got the promotion he wanted!!! with a nice raise, thank you very much. my man is the man. his company likes to hire from within. i'm familiar with it because i worked for a different division of this company a few years ago.

i got a pack of padded shipping envelopes the other night so when i sell something on ebay i can stop stressing how i'm going to send it and just get it out of here. and i have so much to put up on ebay. i took a few photos and need to take about 50 more. i have a serious backlog of inventory. it should go fast once i put it up. most of it is gay pride stuff and that sells fast and steady

M just left for work. heh, i thought he was gone already. i really am up early.

i'm on my full dosage of topamax and have noticed i have sore joints, that's new and a listed side effect. days melt into each other in a most disconcerting way, what i say or remember can no longer be trusted. this means i lose every argument by default and it really sucks. i've also lost some coordination, i couldn't get out of the bathtub on my own last night, a hopeless feeling if there ever was one. so that's memory, joints, and coordination. oh, and dizziness. i've had to sit down or fall down a few times now. i'm used to fainting, now at least there is a reason for it. nothing i can't live with if i lose weight. anything is worth it if i lose weight. being skinny will push my self esteem up to the point that it is no longer an issue, it's the only thing i can't seem to change about myself.

today marks day one without seroquel. it should be here tomorrow or the next day. i found an eraser (to the uninitiated, it's my instrument of self-mutilation), and i'm trying to forget where i saw it. that, of course, stays in my mind. i have to not hurt myself for doc. he can't take it, he says. i don't understand this, but i go along with it as far as i can.

it's october, which means it's only a couple of months before i can start decorating for xmas. and in the move in of M, i found all my decorations, so this year will be extra festive. we'll be extra broke because doc's trip home will be between now and then, but the house is going to look extra festive! i need to make an xmas icon. or find one.

wow, this is long, time to stop, or i will write all day, i feel especially lucid today. but then, i haven't taken my meds yet. hee.

Fratellis - Flathead

spore is completely addicting. satisfying in ways the sims never could. we're taking turns playing it (M and i). he let me evolve the look of a character, so cool.

i went to the shrink today. i asked about adderall and she suggested topamax. so i have a one month script for that. if it doesn't work, i am definitely pursuing the adderall. she said it would make all my moods worse. hell, the topamax is likely to affect my memory. great. whatever. just feed me the pills.

i guess i'll arrange getting them tomorrow.since doc doesn't leave me money . . . right, whatever. i don't care. he's always angry at me, and at the point where i should have given up and said fuck it, you be responsible for me totally, i started trying harder to be better. the harder i try the more he expects of me. and when i try and fall short of that, he really wraps me in guilt. it sucks. but don't tell anyone. it will work itself out. we're poor and married. divorce is never an option.

besides, i love him so completely . . . i am consumed with love for him. it's odd of me. most people i wouldn't even bother trying to change, doc though, i want to be the perfect whatever. whatever he wants of me. and he doesn't believe that because i didn't empty the fucking catbox.

oh shit, where did that come from?

Pink - So What

middle of the week. doc took a surprise day off. he's going to the doctor with a friend. he won't go to my doctor with me . . . i guess the distance from the problem helps. he helps her out and i'm grateful for a man who would do something like this for a friend.

we watched Drawn Together this morning and now are watching some kind of police pursuit show.

M and i are going to WWE Smackdown when it's in town. he's picking up the tickets saturday. i can't believe i'm excited about wrestling. but it's fun to watch and i really want to be a part of such a vocal audience.

today i'm meant to go to walmart with M to get cat food and litter. we also need coffee, milk and cigarettes. the smokes i'll get at the smoke shop and i'll pick up another pack of cloves while i'm there. i still go outside every day and smoke at least one while listening to my mp3 player and watching the pigeons. i'd like them a lot more if they didn't shit on the railing up the stairs. but other than that, i kind of like having the critters up there. it gives the cats something to watch.

Aimee Mann - Pavlov's Bell

yesterday i moved doc's stuff out of my bathroom and into his. last night before bed he went into my bathroom to brush his teeth and then wandered muttering into his bathroom, where his toothbrush was. this morning his razor was on my sink. hee.

he left me a pot of coffee again this morning, which i wasted no time in consuming.

i found this song in my music folder. i'm pretty sure it really is social distortion. it's not the greatest copy, it has many digital glitches, but to listen to mike ness sing, i'll put up with a lot. i love social distortion. the next CD mix i make will be all social distortion. happy music.

i can't decide whether to watch farscape or firefly today. we have Syriana from netflix, but i'm saving that for tomorrow. M also left a couple of DVDs here for us. he's kind of like a library, whenever he comes over, he brings us a couple of movies and takes back the ones he left before. once he left the indiana jones trilogy here for a month. we didn't watch the second one at all, but we watched the hell out of the first and third.

turns out that our friend, B, won't be staying here for a couple of weeks, as we had planned. plans here change a lot, it seems. here in las vegas, i mean. i'm kind of bummed, but on the good side, it means he's not leaving town as he had planned. we haven't hung out in too long. once he gets settled in his new place we'll make a movie plan. B also brings over movies to watch (and i thought it would be hard to be DVD deprived!), usually really new ones.

oh yeah and i also have Premonition to watch this weekend that Q left over here. my god, we're a clearing house for DVDs! i never thought about it before. that's pretty funny. we own less than 10 store bought DVDs, but we never lack for movies to watch and it's because of our friends. that's pretty damn cool.

we're pretty lucky to have the friends we do. and not just for the DVDs, i'm not that shallow. they are diverse and fill our lives with different views on life and the world. we are all politically and culturally mixed up and it leads to interesting and enlightening conversations. i especially like watching the news with Q and hearing what he gets from it.

doc has a new friend that was over the other day watching Firefly with us. he's a fan of all the sci fi stuff that i am, and i mean a fan. he told me all manner of neat stuff about Firefly. and we talked about Stargate SG-1 and the upcoming straight to DVD movies they are making. J was really cool to hang out with. doc attracts some really cool people. he's friendly (doc) and a nice guy that just naturally attracts people.

that's what attracted me to him in the first place. i was working in a cafe and there were two hours each day when i was the only person there. it was usually empty and i worked in the kitchen and listened for the door. i was in the middle of quiche prep for the next day when this guy came in and asked me which coffee i recommended. i told him the hazelnut was good and he just started to talk to me, small talk. but it totally disarmed me and before i knew it i was sitting down with him and talking openly. he took me home that night and when he left, he didn't even try to kiss me. this charmed me completely. i was smitten. we made a date to go to the movies . . . then the night of the date i was doubled over with cramps of the female kind and raging at everything and called him to postpone the date. i told him i was in a feminine way and could we wait until i felt better and was better company. he said yes and we hung up. he showed up at my door that night with chocolate, green tea and a video. it was all over from there. he started staying with me and the rest is history.

i'm glad i haven't lost those memories. they make me giddy, 10 years later.

i installed sims on this new machine in under an hour. it was more of a half hour experience. very nice. this machine is a marvel to me.

doc's pet peeve: i have named the computers and refer to them exclusively by those names. it is easier for me since two computers are a foot from each other right now. they are named 'damian' and 'dalek'. he hates this for some reason.

doc's other pet peeve: use of the phrase 'shout out'. he prefers i use 'homage', which i sometimes do. it makes me giggle when he corrects me about it.

he's a funny man. i adore him so completely.

i love sitting with him in silence or with the music on. we can be silent and it's okay. of course we also can go on and on. we talk about the cats and the hamster a lot. and he nags me about not eating what i should, and i nag him about whatever he isn't doing, if there is something he isn't doing.

content. yep. aside from a worry here or there, i'm in a pretty good place. emotionally. i'm still all against leaving the apartment. that is a hard thing because it rubs off on the people around you. and that isn't so good. plus i live in las vegas, this is not the city to go agorophobic(sp).

my spelling is horrible when i'm hopped up on coffee. maybe i should switch over to water or lemonade now.

doc left me a note in a notepad window this morning. so cute. i keep reading it over and over for the "dawg loves you" part. sure, to the world he is "doc" but that is just a socially acceptable mutation of the original "damn dawg" nickname. i was "fucking kat". it probably makes no sense. but it is part of an 8 year history that still makes me smile like a loon at the mention of his name. i know how he makes me laugh.

R has offered to take me to get smokes, so i'm going to go over and play with her critters before i make her drive me somewhere. i've offered to walk the dogs during the days they work. the days R and her room mate work, not the days the dogs work, they don't work. jesus, i hate grammar sometimes. whoever told me to just write and let the editors worry about correcting it deserves a punch in the face. i believed too well.

me: "cough cough cough"

doc: "that sounds horrible"

me: "that's the unproductive cough"

doc: "what is the productive cough like?"

me: "it feels like exorcism looks"

dear, sweet doc, always my straight man.

found over on skyes' lj:

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	One
Your meeting was by	Choice
They are your	Strength
You are their	Best friend
Your love will	Stay alive
Quiz created with MemeGen!

even doc said, "awwww".

anyone else ever heard of this? it's a doc thing. he got some tuvan throat singing downloaded and has been trying to play it for me.

and i have tried to listen, but to me it sounds like the bowels of hell opening just for me, just a bit more sedate and slightly more melodic than the bowels of hell usually open.

are there other people who are frightened by this music?

doc is on the phone with the woman from the HR dept of the place he wants to work . . . . i'm dying with anticipation here . . . i can hear him laughing on the phone with her.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!!!

we're not moving!

"i felt like xander shopping at the magic shop for willow"

this is as close to fandom doc will ever come. later i caught him looking up the captain from firefly, he didn't believe it was caleb from buffy. so there's your contradiction of the day, and this time it isn't from me but from doc.

i sent him for nag champa and he remembered i was almost out of dragon's blood, which is kept up by the register, and registered a brief look of sruprise from the owner of the shop. doc is very vanilla looking.