cydniey

i went to the dentist yesterday and had him fix what he could. too much fixing and i would lose a clip and have to use a denture cream. i balked at that and let him do the small cosmetic change. my two front teeth no longer look huge, they blend in with the others. they are still crooked a bit, but most of my teeth are.

on the way home i stepped on the curb wrong and twisted my fucking ankle again. i was wearing my doc marten boots, so the damage wasn't that bad. i'm glad i wasn't wearing my tennis shoes, or it would have been worse. i still feel like a gimp. i blame it on the headache. soon the headache will stop.

i think we have a new kitty coming to live with us. a friend of M's is moving and needs a cat sitter for a few weeks. it's all M's deal. i don't expect my cats to like it any more than they like M's cats. jack likes them, he's still young, but leeloo and chloe are in their teens now and don't like new things. with the exception of a clean litter box, that they love. they like doc and i and quiet laying about on furniture. chloe is getting more frail each week. we love on her and dote on her while she's still around. morbid, yes, but not making the same mistake we made with henry, assuming he would always be around. i'll never make that mistake again, it's still a spike in my heart. i won't make the same assumptions with the girls. any love they want, they get. no matter what i'm doing, i stop and pay attention to them.

enough sadness and potential mourning. they live now and that is something to be happy about.

writing a bit early today
doc got a ride to work today
which is good, i hate to have him
walking in the midday sun and heat
i feel better at night, he gets off
after the temp breaks

chloe just puked on the arm
of the couch, yum
now she's gone into hiding
so i won't pill her again
as much good as it does her
she fights it and hates it
it causes her too much stress
hardly makes it worth it

it's 106 degrees, going to 108
time to open the blinds for an hour or so
and get the pictures i need

i have a new diagnosis. schizoaffective disorder. that seems to fit me more than the simple bipolar did. it includes bipolar, but with a splash of schizophrenia. i've been up since 7 this morning looking it up and reading about it. and i'd really like to go to sleep now, but i don't seem to be able to.

i'm still waiting for doc to finish his movie so that i can install spore. though i watched M in the rocket ship phase last night and i don't know if i'll be able to keep up. M is a born gamer. he has a touch with that sort of stuff. he went from the beginning to airplanes in one sitting. i don't think i'll pick it up that fast.

i'm two days into the topamax. so far the only side effect is photophobia. i have to watch tv with my sunglasses on after i take it. that seems to wear off by morning. i'm taking 25 mg and will double that next thursday. i'm not worried about the dumbing down side effects, i've been pretty worthless since the ECT. my memory is shot. doc is unhappy with this new drug, but i told him i originally wanted adderall and he flipped out. he said no in more languages than i knew he knew. you're no one until you've been chewed out in an asian dialect.

ireally want to go back to sleep, but to get there i have to climb over doc. then i have to lay there with my thoughts spinning until i eventually give up. then i climb back over doc and try not to wake him up. if i could have the tv on it would help, but that would just wake him up grumpy. maybe if i sit out here, maybe watch some firefly or farscape. M doesn't like sci fi, so i haven't been watching them.

chloe has jumped up on the desk with me in a plea for love and pets. how can i resist such cuteness? i wish she could put me to sleep.

i'll eat some cereal and then go back to bed. or maybe curl up on the couch.

David Bowie - Within You

i just threw up. it took a while to go through all the symptoms, the sweats, the drooling, the puking and the recovery. i feel fine now. i'm a little overheated but it was 87 in here, so i turned on the a/c. now i'm drinking the dasani water that doc got me yesterday. i want to finish my coffee, but i'm afraid of puking again. i tried to eat a cookie before i puked, to try to absorb extra acid, but i could only take two bites.

i figured out chloe sleeps in my underwear drawer. good thing i don't use it, i pile everything on top of the dresser in a way the cats can't get their balance on and don't sleep on. but as i grabbed a new shirt, i saw the tail flick out of the drawer and it scared the crap out of me. at least she's off the desk. she's diabolical and creepy. her absolute cuteness (because she never grew up, she stayed small) and neediness weakens everyone around her. she loves attention and will go to any lengths to get it.

fuck this, i feel sick again. with just water. i'm going to go lay down.

i want a kitten. i've been going through journals and seeing pictures of henry and i miss him so much. stupid cat. he was my fuzzle buddy. leeloo has tried to take his place. she sleeps at my feet all day, she comes into the bathroom and meows at me, she even sleeps between doc and i on the couch when we are sitting there together. she curls up in bed with us. she's really stepped up into the alpha cat when it comes to loving. jack is still too young to want to be with the humans. he comes in for love when i'm in the bedroom, or he leads me into doc's bedroom (let's be honest, it's jack's bedroom, he's the only one that sleeps in there) for fuzzles on doc' low bed. and then there's chloe that sits up on the desk while i'm working and lets me type around her.

doc is four square against a new kitten.

and now alisa has weighed in, no kitten. i have no time to train a new kitten right now and she doesn't want me distracted on my publicity tour.

so no kitten. i see the wisdom.

but i still miss henry. stupid cat.