cydniey

i've been thinking about it for a few months, since my manager abandoned me and i didn't let it hit me this time like the last abandonment did. i just took it in stride. i know what i need to do to submit it or self-publish it, i don't need her for that. so life can go on. any emotional attachment takes a backseat to that. having said that, i've decided not to pursue publication in any form. just writing it down was as cathartic as i needed. publishing it just seems stupid. airing dirty laundry. i do enough of that on here. that's enough for me.

i left it having to rewrite the first chapter, but the way it was set up, that was all clinical stuff i needed to do library research on, and it turns out that is less than important to the process. i wish i had done it years ago, and i wish i hadn't forgotten about what it freed me of for months while i was in a haldol haze. now i remember and it eases my mind and my soul.

so that's what's up with the book. i know at least a couple of people were curious, but afraid to ask.

that's it, without Alisa, i can't do anything with the book, i need the way she drove me to remember more and how to put it down coherently. and without my AMB, i'm worthless as an author. she was my muse. and i have a first chapter to scrap and rebuild. and the first chapter is the most important, it sucks the potential reader in. damnit.

i've turned on farsape, i heard palin's voice for an instant before switching over to DVD. and i'm reading none of my news feeds. keeping my promise to myself. no politics today. and as much as i love spending time with M, we may be in separate rooms watching different shows. maybe he has a movie or two to fill in the time before wrestling. then i'll watch the daily show, colbert report silliness and then it's all adult swim until sleep.

oh, and that thing about spending time with M sounded a little weird, so let me 'splain: neither doc nor i are involved with M on any level deeper than friend. they're both straight, for one, and for two, doc was a fluke, i like girls. though doc isn't very girlie, he's just a recovered hippie. so he's really sensitive, it's part of what made me love him, his biting wit was another. i mostly laugh when he uses it on me. i can't be mad with him for more than a half an hour, and usually less than that. i've tried, it doesn't stick.

wow, that was not meant to turn into a little doc essay question. anyway, no hanky panky with M. that's what i meant to say. right then.

i have a lot of books to read. 5 that are recent purchases that i need to get into and read. one of them is a psychological memoir and it is nothing like the psychological memoir i'm writing. how are conversations when in crisis able to be quoted back? mine isn't set up like that. i can't remember any of the conversations. i don't have a lot of narrative. it's mostly descriptions of what i went through at different times and the in between, it's hard to explain. part of me wants to get it published small press, but the deal AMB and i have is going all the way, with a book tour and interviews on different programs. we're not looking for an oprah seat she would likely hate my book, just a bit of recognition for me and exposure for both of us.

wow, all sorts of shit is just flowing out of my head. i think i'll take my meds now and just relax. later i'll need to wash my hair. that will take a nice long time. but the pain, you would think if one had my hair, one would get used to combing it out, and the associated pain, but one doesn't. at least not this one. it's a festival in pain unless i can be patient and leave the conditioner in long enough to work. i'm getting it cut soon. about two inches off the bottom to get rid of the damage, and then long layers. so i look less hippie-ish. and get maximum use of my curls and much less pain when combing my hair. it will be a bit fluffy, but that's why someone cool created hair product.

Depeche Mode - Just Can't Get Enough

so much i forgot in my obsession with sleep. i'm up now, and zen with it. i made a pot of coffee

alert to anyone wanting or needing a messenger bag: walmart online has one, it has a crow silkscreened on it in the corner, really subtly. but it's ten bucks and it's a great canvas messenger bag . . . drat, it's sold out online. well, if you want to see my new bag: http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10085891 it's very cool, just enough pockets, rain protector thingies on the main pocket of the bag, velcro closings and the pockets are big enough to fit both of my cameras at the same time, especially if they are in the case.

meanwhile, i think i scared off my manager, AMB. i want to email her or call her, but the fact is, i can't handle the rejection. we had a very candid conversation about my vices and that was the last i heard from her. i guess it's for the best. my new diagnosis is sexier than plain old bipolar, but there's a recent book about schizoaffective disorder that is being turned into a movie. i plan to buy that book this weekend and read it and see if there is anything i can add to the subject. i'm not hopeful, though, i saw the other book at the bookstore and it was thick.

i was so desperate when i got up. now i'm fine with it. there are a couple of factors involved there. i'm still going to go curl up on the loveseat with my blankie and pillow.

Garbage - When I Grow Up

i wrote an entry much earlier today. i ended up locking it because it included an epiphany that really really really belongs in the book. and that got me excited to work on the book again. my partner/manager/editor is working on another project. i've got a lot of work to do.

m took me to get a slurpee. everything is better with slurpee.

i'm on my way to my nap. just wanted to check in.

i hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. we lazed around the house, cleaning things and watching movies. yesterday evening was a firefly marathon on my tv. doc says that until he knows the names of the episodes, he'll keep watching. he fears he got to know farscape too well.

i made four necklaces and have six more ready to assemble. then i get creative again and think up more designs.

in my next bead order that will be here this week or next, i ordered a sterling letter "C" to wear with my tiffany heart. the "C" was on sale so i don't feel bad about buying it. i can't wait to get this order. i know i say that about every order, but this one has jewelry and collage supplies.

i think i have spyware on my computer. i keep getting emails that look like they are from alisa, using similar subject lines. i need to run a scan. we have the spyware and virus software from our cable internet company. i think i'll go run that scan. i expect to hear from alisa soon about chapter 1.