cydniey

let's all find out if i can make a more positive post here.

i got my wings clipped for the 'out on my own' incident (disorientation in familiar places). i expected that and really had no intention of pushing it. but i do plan to use tuesdays, when doc is off, to go with him on errands and stuff. i don't want to be completely shut up here.

it's a nice place, don't get me wrong. there are two main rooms that are used and both have TVs and computers. we have VCRs that only work to funnel a channel through and that is all we need them for. i have a TV to hook up to my computer so i can watch movies on it. i don't have a DVD drive, but i have a DVD player and that is enough for me.

there is never a lack for delicious incense or the rich smells of food. there are a couple nice cats roaming around, always looking for love. the furniture is comfortable and the windows have curtains.

christmas lights light my room and hand made pillows cover my bed.

it is a great home. it is worth paying 3/4 of my check for each month. i can't complain about home.

but we have those two rooms we use the most, and i've been there. i suppose that wanting the freedom is the first major step to getting the freedom.

i'm going to turn 37 in a month and i have no plans. meaning i didn't plan to get any further than that. i thought it would happen earlier, but always said 37 at the outside. i have no more plans. so i'm having some sort of identity crisis here.

i guess i just start making it up. ignore society as i did in my youth and do things as they come to me. fake it until it's real. that sort of thing. so what, the anger fades a bit and you get to a more, "so what?" point of view. but that doesn't mean i have to suddenly start to care about what people think about me.

maybe it is finally time where i am just even for a while. no big ups or downs, just a few years, hell, even one year of even would be nice. and maybe that is coming and part of me senses it and is freaking a little inside. whatever it is, it is at least occupying my time.

how many more vapid, meaningless days will there be?

i miss my delusions of grandeur.

inside me is at least half the person i thought i was. why won't she come out to play?

all the problems i thought were my problems aren't.

hope is for suckers
hope is a lie

i happened across Wendy O. William's suicide note:

“The act of taking my own life is not something I am doing without a lot of thought. I don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me much of the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm. Love always, Wendy.”