cydniey's thoughts

hardass hardware

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 23:57:46 GMT

i walked up to the dentist, saw the piece of machinery they plan to put into my mouth, asked how much of the metal would show. turns out, a lot. like gum braces. i'm not kidding. after five minutes, i got out of the chair and sent home to wait for the teeth to be attached and come in from the lab. an hour and a half walk and five minutes in the chair. yee hah

then i took a cold shower and devoured half of a canteloupe. then i had the last naan with some lemon and cilantro hummus and doc brought me home a packet of california roll. i ate half of that. the rest is for dinner. doc and M are having steak, i guess i'll have a hummus, lettuce and cheese sandwhich. or maybe some fillet of salmon, easy bake style.

i really do feel energized when i eat healthy, but there's nothing like a roberto's bean burrito with extra cheese. or their chips drowning in guac and cheese, i do love that place. i only wish they delivered.

i'm hungry again, so i think i'll finish that sushi.

put an end to the stand off

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 07:58:54 GMT

i'm going to keep a promise to myself and keep this desktop really clean. the recycle bin, semagic, firefox and thunderbird and that's it.

i guess i could have twittered that, but i'm wary of new internet toys. i still have programs to download and install.

see ya

day 70

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 20:49:55 GMT

i have not perished in the desert heat, though my run out to the car yesterday was a close call. it's like being inside a kiln. *shudder*

i've been messing with the laptop. installed another version of xp and then 98 and then back to my original xp and the whole thing was messy. M helped me no end with the 98, but i just couldn't find the drivers that i needed and i gave up and put my xp back on and it took up much less space. happy all around, all i have to do is put my mail back where it goes, though, if that can't happen, i'm not all that attatched to it.

so i think i'll put a couple songs on here so i can bug M with music from english people. my anglophile ways drive him nuts. whatever it takes to drive him nuts. that's how we work, driving each other nuts. it's fun. like having a brother i never had. hee.

day 68 sober

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:21:54 GMT

i didn't go to yesterday's meeting because it was way to hot and bright to handle. this was determined by going out in it and walking up to the mailbox. that and i will look for any excuse not go. i'm doing fine without it. it was really depressing, sitting in the near dark, telling each other their problems. sounds like a goth film on how to interact. i can probably find examples on how to work the steps. i have a workbook left over from rehab. there will be ideas in there. it covers 1-4 and 7-12. by 4 i shoukd have an idea of what to do to start with.

i got my pewter, antiqued skull charm yesterday, it was on back order. and i guess they came in from the supplier. the place i buy from is getting a lot of skull jewelry. i'm wearing the bracelets they have. one of carved bone skulls, one from carved wood skulls, and one that looks like wood with inlaid something. and i found my leather cuff watch and band, but though i think it is badass,it has a tigger spitting out honey, because tiggers do not like honey at all. the cuff takes up one wrist. the other wrist is taken up by the trio of skull bracelets, my silver wonder twin bracelet (kam316 has the same one, i eventually sent it to her), and my medic alert bracelet. and soon i'll have a new battery for my pretty, italian stainless steel charm bracelet watch.

i'm writing aimlessly now.the cats are playing pounce. it's a fuzzy game of tag, but pouncing who you tagged is legal. the queens sit it out, but maxi is just one of the boys when it comes to pounce. she can give as good as she gets.

day 62

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 20:10:50 GMT

yes, i made it 60 days. i haven't gone to a meeting to get my tag, that will be saturday or next. still no sponsor, i keep hoping.

i'm on my way to 90 days and i feel good about it. i need to get a new notebook calendar, mine ends at july. dollar store purchase. walmart should have them. i have a shrink appointment in september and though i have it on our wall calendar, i'm paranoid i will forget about it. i forget everything that isn''t in my face.

only a few more appoitments and i get my front teeth back. i'm tired of not smiling at people. i may look formidable, but i'm a smily person.

i'm also a fat anorexic, i only eat when doc is around to force me to and i'm still getting fatter. i need to start walking, but going outside alone is creepy. and very hard to do.

i'm waiting for the maintenance guy to get here and fix the kitchen sink. and i don't even know if he's coming today.

day 56

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:42:40 GMT

i haven't been going to my meeting, the walk uphill is too daunting. i know i need to pull up my pants and just go. i haven't got a sponsor yet. frankly, i'm having more doubts about being in the program. most of the fellowship is cold to me. there's five or so people who make me feel comfortable, like i belong. i'm just very confused right now. i can walk there on my own, but i ask doc to come with me, he brings his bike and does the shopping while i'm in the meeting.

saturday is day 60. then i need to make it to day 90. then 6 months. i'm definitely not going day by day. i live for the next tag, the next meeting. what i should do, is during the week, walk up to the meeting place and back down, so it isn't so daunting saturdays. the excercise would do me good.

and that's the skinny on that.

can't stop now, i'm in a curry

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 19:21:53 GMT

last night i made a curry with doc after he got home from work. it came out so good. i'll have some of the chicken tonight, chicken was the chosen meat. doc had bought the chicken on sale and needed something to do with it, so i suggested curry. i've never made one, but months of watching gordon ramsey, i figured i could piece one together with out using the curry powder in my spice rack. i'd give a recipe, but i didn't really measure anything. instead of a tomato base, i used a cream base, so it was really rich and full of evil calories, as doc pointed out over and over. no problem, i'll make the next one a tomato base.

in other news, we've got an organic market up the road from us now and we get great deals on veggies. i just have to learn to eat veggies. but with this curry thing down, i think i can try.

i wear that necklace pictured now, with my wedding ring

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:50:25 GMT

really, the cats are my best friends now. and no one wants to hear about my cats, i know that. so i haven't been posting.

did i mention that according to my lease, there is no smoking on the premisis? god, it's like our dorm rooms at college.

the cats are my best friends now.

on an outing we will go

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 19:35:55 GMT

doc took me on the buses to the far away doctor and i got my prescriptions for the next three months. this journey turned into an oddessy of the dollar tree store and a store called fresh and easy, which i highly recommend. on our last leg of the journey we got a ride from a friend of M's recognized doc and gave us a ride home. my feet and i were grateful.

then yesterday M and i went to see the WWE pay per view at a local casino that plays it and lets you in free, making their money back in bar sales and nachos and hot dogs. i got a couple of cokes. and enjoyed the "fights". mostly things went the way i wanted them to. i dislike a guy named chris jericho and he won and took the mask off the guy he was fighting, big boo.

i've got a bit of tan on my arms, which shows my scars and i'm not liking that at all. i saw some scar diminisher on the tv that i'm going to get and see if it works. i really had no clue that i'd been so destructive with myself. the scars fade and i forget the events.

doc is eating cereal so tech the cat is starting his campaign for milk.

birthday greetings

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:20:11 GMT

happy birthday erispie!!!!!!

beads beads beads

Sun, 31 May 2009 18:01:50 GMT

i'm going out with A today to a bead show. i have no idea what to expect. i'm taking $50 for the show and dinner. A said it will be fun and i will see so much stuff i want i'll have to choose carefully and budget. i borrowed $20 bucks from M and i will try not to spend it. i just don't know what to expect.

in other news, i need to clip my nails because i can't type with these talons i've grown.

gotta go, bye.

m and i

Fri, 29 May 2009 21:36:18 GMT

after i made him kill a spider (i do not do spiders, especially this monster of an arachnid), m declared i was a bad lesbian. cheeky twat he is. then it turns out that he didn't kill it, so doc had to do the honors when he got home. luck was on my side the spider did not move during the interim. ewwww, i hate spiders.

i'm watching my daily intake of BBC America. gordon ramsey is hot, i love his arrogance.

yesterday i found my jewelry. so now i have rings on my fingers, a couple of new bracelets, my pride jewely, including the dog tag necklace in my icon. on the dog tags also hangs my wedding ring. yes i am a study in duplicity. i also found my rings, namely my silver thumb rings and my skull mood ring. it's pale pink, i have no idea what that means.

i paid for zenweb.net today. i was one day from losing it. doc's check was in the bank this morning so i was able to renew it. when my check gets here, i can pay my webhost. that should be any day now.

this entire post could have been sent by twitter, but it wasn't. that doesn't make it any less meaningless. =}

family ties

Tue, 26 May 2009 20:26:34 GMT

i got a call from brat#1 today, he wanted me to have his cell number. he also wanted to come over and hang out. i told him doc was still angry and that wouldn't work, but maybe we could go out sometime. i'm thinking the double down.

doc of course is mad at me for telling the brat that doc won't let him come around. but it's the truth

brat also gave me an update on dad, he's feeling better and is back at work today.

i'm going to throw up. just the hint of doc's anger gets me all worked up now, i really don't know why i tell him, i feel like i'm lying if i don't tell him.

whisky tango foxtrot

Tue, 26 May 2009 06:13:16 GMT

what the fuck happened today? i got an email from twitter saying my password may have been compromised. and a twitter message from the loving cryo telling me to get avg and check my system. done and done. what damage was done while i was offline? my machine is clean, confirmed by avg and i've changed some other passwords. twitter said it was an offsite phishing attack, which tells me nothing. so i ask again, what the fuck?

so anyway, i want to assure my friends out there that the boys no longer use in front of me. i don't see it, i don't smell it.

i have reached out to my parents. talked to them through a rough time and hope that we can remain civil, and that brat #1 will never call me to bail him out. because i won't. i've gotten what i wanted, peace with my parents. that is enough for now.

ergo, things are at peace here.

i took all the advice given and considered it, knowing it came from a place of deep liking or even shallow love. and i thank everyone for your words of wisdom. i will actually miss the lively conversation.

from the right back at you files:

Mon, 25 May 2009 21:16:00 GMT

happy birthday jloopy!!

we should get together sometime, yeah?

day 31

Sat, 23 May 2009 03:33:38 GMT

see, while all that bruhaha was going on with my parents, i passed the 30 day mark. tomorrow i go and get my second 30 day tag. fuck yeah! i'm going to make it to 90 this time and beyond. i'm so stoked, i made it thirty days without even trying. i'll admitt that on my birthday i wanted to use, but i didn't, i read my books and kept it together.

i told doc about talking to my dad in the hospital. we had a long talk. he wanted a good reason, and the best was that maybe now they would appreciate me. when i was growing up they adopted a parcel of kids and i was relegated to the position of baby sitter, they didn't love or appreciate me, that and i wanted a family. doc was livid and he talked to me for a long time. he didn't mind me talking to my mom and even going out to lunch with her, after my dad died. that was a condition i was unhappy with.

so i'll do what i do. and maybe not tell him. he seems to be begging me to lie to him. which i can't do. i'm all conflicted. my solution is to concentrate on me. get a sponsor this weekend, R raised her hand when T asked about sponsors and i feel a connection with her, so if she is still willing, i'm going for it. i could have used someone this week to talk to and i've put off getting a sponsor for a long time. too long. and my parents have no part in my recovery, so concentrating on me and my recovery will keep me out of trouble.

he's okay

Thu, 21 May 2009 22:15:15 GMT

i've talked to my dad a couple of times today and he's doing much better. surgery went well and his heart made it through.

it's so nice to talk to my parents, again, i am conflicted. also good to talk to brat number one.

doc is thinking it is not so nice. i see his point, but i'm grown up now, and so are they. i don't want them to grow old with all but brat #1 running off or dying.

maybe it's a mistake, only time tells with them, but things are going well, and i'm forever optomistic about them. everything happened so long ago.

i want a family, too. flaws and all.

i'm glad my dad is okay. i was relieved when my mom called last night and filled me in. i was also relieved when i heard my dad's voice today.

birthday greetings

Thu, 21 May 2009 18:51:30 GMT

happy birthday webofthreads

jinx

Thu, 21 May 2009 05:38:21 GMT

i am a curse on my family. years ago they found this journal and a short time later my sister died. i get back in touch with them a week or so ago and since my dad has been hospitalized with a massive infection and went to emergency surgery and my mom has been in a car accident.

what the fuck? my dad is still hospital bound, they aren't even talking about him going home yet. i'll call him tomorrow and see how he's feeling.

after my dentist appointment.

um . . .

Thu, 21 May 2009 00:48:17 GMT

my dad is in the hospital with a massive bacterial infection, in emergency surgery, which . . . my dad may well be dying.

holy conflicted.

i'm so . . . i just don't know.

one step beyond and now beyond is chasing me

Wed, 20 May 2009 21:49:42 GMT

i just got a voicemail from yesterday, my mom called and wished me a happy birthday. i'm on the verge of weeping. doc is seething and making lunch.

we ordered food last night after midnight, after doc got home. there's a pizza place that delivers late.

today he stayed home with me to celebrate my birthday. holidays last a week or so here.

i'm all conflicted about being 40. not breakdown conflicted, just thoughtful.

thanks for all the birthday greetings, they all made me smile.

day 27

Mon, 18 May 2009 20:26:08 GMT

thank you cyn, if i haven't said it yet. the photos are fabulous and the chapbooks are great! you are a doll. thank you thank you!

Mon, 18 May 2009 04:00:52 GMT

happy birthday oldwolf

day 22

Thu, 14 May 2009 01:13:22 GMT

as i mentioned in the "mommy" posts, i went to meeting this past weekend. i even shared about my relapse and how i felt about being clean again. it's so weird when people thank me for sharing and clap for me. it was a small, but good meeting. like i said before, a lot of people shared about having lost their mothers recently and how mother's day was going to be hard for them. i called my nana on mother's day. it was hard for me because i felt i lost my mother, just in a different way.

and girlgoyle is right. she speaks from logic. i'm acting from pure impulsive emotion. but i think that i needed to hear her say she loved me, and she did. no matter what place it came from. doc is on girlgoyle's side, he is expecting doom to come down on our heads. but it won't.

so weirded out

Tue, 12 May 2009 08:13:09 GMT

my mom sounded so mellow. like the past ten years have softened her some. i told her at the end that i loved her, she returned it. i put myself out there saying it. i told her i was sorry for the way things ended, and she said it wasn't the end, just a pause. we talked a lot about kelly leaving and the finding of tripper.

doc doesn't want to hear about it. and i don't care. i wanted my mommy. at the meeting saturday, a lot of people talked about having lost their mothers and how hard mother's day was going to be. and between that and nana's comments, i missed my mommy.

she's letting me in on my own terms. i can call her, or not. i'd like to talk to her about my recovery with her, but i don't know if she'd be into it.

she told me that dad's and algebra teacher now. sounds like he got some schooling over the past ten years.

i guess i've mellowed, too.

mom told me some things about tripper's boyfriend that got me really concerned about her safety. even the repo man can't find her or her car. my mom said they had people looking for her. online they are running about a year and a half behind her. i had thought she was more sophisticated than mom seems to think she is.

doc is afraid i'll get sucked into the drama. brat number one won't leave the house, and i won't go there while he's there. quite frankly, he scares me. and i'm pretty sure he's still on drugs and i don't want to be around that. that's the drama, and i want no part of it.

on my own terms, i got my mom back.