cydniey

firstly i want to say thank you in a big way to my patron of technology for the goodies that will make my computer work for me. thank you thank you.

my half of the sky is deliciously cloudy but the sun is out in the other half and glaring on the Big Dirt Hill. it makes my cloudy sky seem brown instead of grey. very weird how light reacts to things.

doc took a vacation day tuesday and took me on the bus to my doctor's appointment. we wandered so much and it took so long that we were out for four hours for a ten minute appointment and i retained none of how to get there. maybe he can take the day for my next appointment and we can do it all without the wandering. i know it's a short walk and a bus ride away and there's another bus that i can take to the hill and walk down the hill. i just don't remember where the stops were to go what way and my sense of direction is absolute rubbish. nothing good came of it except a shirt i picked up at goodwill.

i did sleep well that night after all the walking and stress. now i'm just sore.

my goal today is to stay awake all day until doc gets home. my shrink told me when i wake up at odd hours of the morning that i should get out of bed. i guess so i don't associate my bed with laying awake and being miserable. today right after i woke up, leonard came up and lay with me for a while. once he got up, so did i.

speaking of leonard, he's getting chubby, he eats a lot. he also runs around the house chasing or being chased by anyone he can get involved. he still doesn't get along with M's cat, which is why he's officially my cat. plus he sleeps with me and jumps up on my lap and follows me around. he kind of adopted me as his mommy, who am i to argue? all he needs from me is love, since the food magically appears and the litter boxes magically get cleaned. so he thinks.

i think i'll have a banana and some coffee. i want to put off the diet pills as long as possible so they will help me not nap.

How can I be sure ?
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure

When you don't give me love
You gave me pale shelter
You don�t give me love
You give me cold hands
And I can't operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in command

How can I be sure
For all you say you keep me waiting
How can I be sure
When all you do is see me through
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure

I've been here before
There is no why, no need to try
I thought you had it all
I'm calling you, I'm calling you
I ask for more and more
How can I be sure

i feel so much better. i took two seroquel and slept all day. i'm a bit discombobulated, but i feel much more lucid than i have in days. i can't believe i slept all day, though. i got none of my chores done. but i slept! and i want to sleep tonight, so i'll stay up with doc as late as i can.

the desktop ethernet card (or NIC card) is dead, so i can't get online on the big computer. and the dvd burner drive is dead. needless to say, i can't afford to replace either, so i'm depending on the $100 laptop with the 5 gig hard drive to be online and get my email. suck.

the past few days have been hell. no matter how early or late i go to bed, no matter what combination of drugs i use, i can't sleep past 3:30 in the morning. then in the evening, sometimes, i will get a couple of fitful hours. i'm losing my mind. but at least i'm losing it quietly, at home. i lay in bed as long as i can stand it, didn't make it past 7:30 this morning. i've been up reading harry potter and playing with my laptop.

i am not in a good humor. all i want to do is sleep through the night and stay awake during the day. i just started eating again (slimfast shakes stay down consistently, i've been living on them), and i wanted to get my strength back up and now this sleeping thing. i don't like this and i want to cry and shake and throw a big tantrum until i wear myself down to raw hunger and exhaustion. then i want to eat and sleep. but mostly i want to sleep.

my head is blurry
and my eyes are unfocused
my limbs are weak and
do not do what i tell them
maybe i should go for a walk
that will wear me out, i would hope
but where do i go?
i am a raw and aching bundle of nerves
a walking zombie panic attack
the very thought of me walking
out the door sends me into the shakes
no, possibly a hot bath
no, doc has to shower in a couple of hours
maybe it's time i turned on tv
and lay back down on the couch

i speak in terms of weather, high 67 degrees, it will likely get a bit warmer in my neighborhood, lighter winds.

but mostly i speak in lack of pain. i still need to eat much more than i am. i did have half a chicken and rice burrito yesterday. i'm in the mood for cereal now. i'll have some when i finish here, we have crispix and that is nice and neutral on my stomach.

i've stayed off the diet pills. i'm pretty sure they had nothing to do with things, but i don't know and until i'm stronger and have my iron stomach back, i'll stay off them. i'm losing weight with this as it is.

now i'm back to debating a nap again, but i don't think i'll take one. M is at the office, i don't know when he'll be home. i did all my chores. i could hunt for the beading projects i'm missing, i may have put them in a logical spot but it was just as i was coming off haldol, so i don't quite remember. if i could just get the beading done, just one project, that would be good. or read that damn harry potter book that M lent me. i loved the movies and i used to love reading, i was reading his chris jericho book yesterday and following that, though he jumps around a lot.

it's time to brush my hair and get my shit together for the day.

happy birthday markw

i may be jinxing it, the witching hour of pain is still coming up, but i wasn't woken by cramps this morning at 7 like the last three days. i do need to have a banana. i ended up sleeping and not eating last night. when doc got home and woke me up around 1 i had mandarin oranges and a piece of bread.

it's still cold outside. it's supposed to warm up this weekend before the chill settles in for the winter. it still isn't all that cold, by comparison to the east coast or the north, but it's enough for me to notice and set up a strange relationship with the heater. mostly at night. since it's gotten cold all day, the heater is easier to deal with, doc was turning it on at night when it cooled down and by morning i'd be sweating and cranky. not so much any more. and i'm looking forward to having the windows open this weekend again. i miss that. we only get weather like that for a few weeks a year.

i slept a long time last night, for my nap. from 7:30ish to 1ish. doc was pissed because he'd been trying to get a hold of me all night on the phone. and M doesn't answer our phone. so doc also worries when he can't get in touch with me.

speaking of doc, his alarm is going off, it's time to make coffee. but not drink any. and eat some cereal. i need cereal, whole grains and a banana. then i can take my meds. i have yet to throw them up or even have stomach upset with them, but i promised doc i would eat first.

after not taking in anything but water for over 48 hours, i was starving this morning finally. i had a bowl of cereal. everything still nauseates me, but the cereal seemed least offensive. so far, so good.

i also have one less thing hanging over my head, almost literally. i have a very sensitive/tender scalp and i had a knot in my hair i could not get rid of. it had taken several days to work it out and i finally got it out today, this morning. i need a haircut, i need my hair layered so it doesn't tangle so badly.

i feel so weak. i want to make rice and beans and chow down, and once doc is off to work, if i continue to feel good, i may just do that.

i've been having gastrointestinal problems and vomiting for the past few days. i don't know what is going on. it's all over icky. add to that i've run out of anti psychotics and won't be able to pay for them for a long time.

i have a therapy appointment tomorrow i don't want to go to. check that, just canceled it. it's money we don't have to spend on the copay and the ride from M, we just don't have $40 so i can go complain to someone, which i don't know what i'll talk about, the same shit as last time hasn't been resolved and there's nothing more that can be said on the matter. i'm doing all i can with the situation.

i think i'll smoke one more cigarette and go take a nap. i took haldol last night to sleep and i'm still tired.

condensed thoughts

• 10:41 i got up early and i'm not hating it, i'm bored out of my mind, but i'm okay with it. i think i should take my meds as soon as i wake up. #

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i don't feel good. maybe it's just the diet pills, but no, i haven't felt good all day. i need to stay up later at night so i can get the 6-8 hours i get and still get up at a reasonable time. i slept in today but i just feel like i've been recovering from too much sleep, i can't find my energy.

i need to straighten or dye my hair, i can't stand it's curly hippie look any longer without some color. or some straightening . . . gah, i don't know what i want, it all takes effort. i guess if i can find a tank top or shirt that can take drips, i'll go dye it, i've only been putting it off for 7 months, though to my, i don't know, credit, i wasn't capable of much until the med change.

yeah, M is watching a scary movie, i'm going to go dye my hair.

condensed thoughts

• 15:25 i don't really feel myself today. i think i'm coming down with something. emotionally i feel good, physically like crap. #

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suddenly the next few hours don't seem to drag out
my meds even me out,
the klonopin stops the whirring in my head

some hours later . . .

wakey wakey, i hate that i spend the first few hours of my day in a daze waiting to feel better. and now that i do, i don't want to write because nothing is happening. my big task for the day is getting outside and getting the mail.

condensed thoughts

• 18:43 playing Star Wars Monopoly with doc #
• 21:53 game night continues, now i'm playing Uno with M #
• 13:55 gearing up to do my chores, watching bad daytime tv, but is there any other kind of daytime tv? #
• 14:09 the cats have all disappeared for their afternoon nap, it's so quiet around here in the afternoons. #

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another brilliant cloudy day. it's nice and cool out, too, only 71 degrees.

leonard and jack behave as if they were raised together, playing together and sleeping near each other and sharing food. i'm going to miss leonard if he leaves, but not as much as jack. they even get in trouble together, mostly jumping up on the counters, which is strictly prohibited.

nothing much is going on, even the daily details are unremarkable. i start my day slowly waking up, having coffee, taking my meds and sometimes eating. then doc leaves for work and i watch a bit of tv and then work on crossing out my list of chores for the day and doing anything else that seems to need doing. i'm still smoking way too many cigarettes and i really want to quit, get the patch and do it that way. but it's medication month, so all the spare money is spent and the cigarettes already bought.

and that sums it up.

condensed thoughts

• 18:44 @morrowchris that is awesome itself, wish we could have met while you were in town, enjoy the palms, it's gorgeous. #

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condensed thoughts

• 21:27 it's amazing how clear my head is on these new meds. i feel awake for the first time in a very long time, years, even. #

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• 18:47 we've run out of canned food for the cats, they get it as a treat every night. i'm going to be really unpopular in a couple of hours. #

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condensed thoughts

• 14:16 the fall temps have risen to early summer temps, i hope this is the last blast of heat. the desert is a silly place. #
• 14:46 i have to behave all day while i wait for the off chance that maintenance comes by. this sucks, i wish they'd just fix the stuff and go away #

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