cydniey's thoughts

thank you, my Harry and David's Darling, for the fabulous cheesecake! you always send me the very best in richness.

and just for the hell of it, i'm throwing out my wishlist link. there's not much on there, just a few books i really really want and the soldering kit i'm always wishing for. what would i solder, you ask? anything metal i can get my hands on. like the hundred or so keys i've been saving, and the computer components i've got stashed away that are obsolete or not functioning.

okay, that's enough.

i have cheesecake to taste (polite term for "go face down in").

let's see, what is going on here . . . . ?

no new cat puke, the hairball remedy is working nicely.
still nothing from tripper
i alienated a best friend
my birthday is on the 19th
i fear turning 39 will be worse than 40
i may just pick an age and start the big lie
i don't look 39
i try to do one thing and another happens
i am self centered (no shock there, you read this drivel)
i'm going to call tripper's last known address
i'm confused about family
everyone around me is so different familywise
no one feels the same ire and rage that i do
or they work through it, something i could never do
i am very mercenary about my family, i was brought up that way
how long do i wait to try to say i'm sorry to my friend?
do i just let her read it in here, that i am so sorry
i'm so confused about people
people were over all afternoon and evening
i didn't know what to do so i just left my show on
i could have put resident evil in, but i forgot
i just don't function well with people.
i'm sorry to my sister for making her avoid me
i'm sorry to my friend for making her think it was all about me
i was just trying to distract her, i didn't do well.

it may be still too early to post, we'll see.

the weekend was spent sleeping a lot. we had some company and had pizza. watched nonsense TV until it was late. then i slept in yesterday and took a nap in the evening. i got up to eat something and take my meds. i watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery until my meds made me pass out. they do that, you know. first they make me loopy and then they make me sleep. the daytime doses are just enough to make me loopy. the second dose makes me sleep about four hours after i take it. but not if i'm keeping myself busy.

the internet was out for two days because some cat (i'm going to go with leeloo here) unplugged the modem. i have made things safer now. she shouldn't be able to interfere with it and get zapped. close call.

yeah, it's too early for me to form sentences and paragraphs and all that snot.

still nothing from my sister, tripper. tripper, if you're out there, please email me. cydniey at zenweb dot net. please.

moving on, it is 11 in the morning and i have locked a sleeping doc in the bedroom so i can smoke a clove. i bought a pack of djarums yesterday. there was a girl in the hospital who had cloves for smoking time. incidentally, she was also the same girl i fashioned my hair after when i dyed it last.

i got my three new plants transplanted and arranged on top of the entertainment pile. with the three other live ones i have, it fills out nicely. i have the sneaking suspicion that two of the pots i bought were painted with lead paint and that is leaching into the plant. because the ones in those pots always die. i'll try this last batch and then start using the pots for pen holders. or record bowl molds.

the battery in the mp3 player lasted my entire trip. i didn't have my bag, so i didin't have backups and i didn't need them. but for longer trips, i'll need the backups.

my face didn't color as much as my arms from the sun. so the SPF in my face lotion works. i just need doc to get some SPF lotion for my arms and legs when i go out.

yummy, that clove cigarette was yummy. just dreamy. and my lips are all sweet, i love that.

happy birthday knightchik!!!

still no word from my sister. you people aren't wishing hard enough!!

i cut my nails so i could type and i'm sitting here making really silly typos. how is that cool?

doc thought he was helping this morning when he rattled off the bus directions to get to walmart. i was totally confused and he was in a horrible hurry. so i just told him that i didn't think it was going to happen. but i want to go west. i want to go to Savers first (huge thrift store) and then maybe to the huge 99 cent store. then on to the strip.

he was very annoyed at me about missing my appointment. he thinks i should have called a cab, not taking into considerating the timeline, even a cab that came directly out here and got me straight to my doctor's office, it would have been too late. it was too late by the time i gave up and came home. he said last night he was cross and just wanted to be alone, i went to bed. he said he'd probably be fine by the time we got up this moring. which, he seemed to be over it and everything was indeed fine when we got up. i even tried to con him into making coffee when it was clearly my turn. we laughed as i begged him.

i need to wash my face more often. my personal hygeine has always been a bit lacking, limited to taking care of what smells and leaving the rest. i've, over the past year, gotten the best of products for my face and hair and nails and makeup. but it's still hard to remember to wash my face every day. i do it when i touch my cheek and it doesn't feel like my skin is supposed to feel. and i don't put lotion on until my skin starts peeling, rather than doing it proactively. i'm just not wired that way. i keep my nails trimmed and polished, reveling in giving myself a manicure. that is one thing i really enjoy, so i keep up with it. now if i can just get the other things . . . i'd smell really nice.

rarr.

what a stupid morning. first, doc let me sleep until 11, apparently forgetting the three hour rule on days out. but i got my shit together and made it out the door by noon. the bus was supposed to come at 20 after the hour. the bus going northbound was supposed to be here about 20 minutes later, it would have made my trip longer and i would be late to therapy, but i could deal with that. but the northbound bus never came.

so i did the walk of shame home, back from an unsuccessful bus attempt. i called my therapist's office and let them know i wouldn't be there and rescheduled for friday at the same time. let's hope the busses are working that day. i wish i knew what was up, i could have started walking. all up a steep hill, but i can hoof that hill.

all the time i spent reading the schedule. rats. hee.

the music on my mp3 player needs to be updated. not a simple task. but a fun one, searching for what i'm looking for in the ass backward software. see me looking a gift horse in the mouth. that's not what i meant. much of it is the frelled up way that i have my music organized or not organized.

today i have to go run errands up the street. tomorrow i have to go to therapy. i was being a wuss about it, but as i was journaling (paper journal) i realized i needed to man up and get the fuck off my ass. so far to that end i have gone and paid the rent and retrieved a clean air filter for the heating/air intake.

now i don't know what i'm waiting for. i guess for the lines to go down in the post office. not that that really matters because i'll have my music in my ears.

wow, i did a whole thing there all by myself. trippy.

the wind is less than usual so i will wear my Polo fishing hat. it's a vague green that goes with all of my army pants and shorts. if i lose weight, i will have very many more army pants to wear, but i won't be able to wear my shorts any more. paradox.

still no email or other contact from my sister. it's been about five months now that i have been actively looking for her. i got some big clues last weekend and even dug up an email. goddess, don't let me lose another sister. i've only the one left and if she cuts me off, my heart will break into shards.

it's early here, for a weekend day. doc is still in bed, i've been on the bed for the past couple of hours watching Pirates of the Caribean. sitting up and playing with the cats that wander in and out. they swarm when doc is awake. i have a photo i need to take doc's face out of, it's a photo of the swarm one night. we need a bigger bed. i'll post it once i anonymize it for him. i know, how exciting for all of you. i'm making a big deal out of a cat photo. what the fuck is wrong with me? i feel like i lost my punk. i'm all soft and weak now. that's what doc is trying to tell me. he fell in love with a woman who had it together or at least bothered to fake it and now i'm like a melted popsicle. and it has nothing to do with my age. if i were thin and able, i'd be at the double down every night, catching shows, being with people.

i want my life back. time to start fighting for it.

i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday a few hours after i got home from the therapist and something looked different. turns out i got a light sunburn on my face. then i went digging through the lotions i have and i have none with SPF protection. duh. i had my hat, and wore it when i could but the wind kept taking it off my head. i need to find the black baseball cap we have, that will cover less, but stay on my head.

i took many pictures and will sort them out maybe today, maybe tomorrow. doc is home with me, which makes me more lazy than usual.

please send wishing vibes so my sister emails me back. thank you.

i went to the therapist and there were no incidents. i need to call the rehab today and find out more about their program. maybe i'll do that tomorrow.

the trip was ordinary. i took a lot of pictures, that i will go through and post. there are a couple of airplane shots i really hope worked out.

i just figured something out about kelli's gift packaging. so cool, where's my glue stick?

i'm going out today. therapist appointment. i've already started the gathering of the stuff. i changed out some of the music on my mp3 player and it is sitting with my movie star sunglasses from AMB. i even have my cameras ready. just in case there's something to take pictures of. it's pretty dreary here in the daytime. and the winds have been kicking up dust. but i don't care! i have my hat and my hair tie to wear if i must.

i've been laying down for short naps and waking up 6 hours later, when i am woken up. i'm getting pretty sick of it. so i'm cutting out nap time for a while. we'll see just how important the naps are or are not. if i can stay awake during the maximum sleepies, i'll be fine.

i've already run out of things to say. i guess i'm saving it for the therapist, poor guy.

everyone have a fucking great day!

good morning everyone! it's morning somewhere.

i'm looking at adding to a chapter and/or adding a chapter to the book. i haven't mentioned it because AMB and i haven't been working on it. i'm supposed to be working on me. which, since i got my medication sorted out, includes getting my teeth fixed and fixing my drug issues. drugs are bad, m'kay?

i actually made the nearly perfect MP3 CD of music i like a lot. 166 songs i dig. hee.

happy birthday to samati and paullie!

there, now she's in my lap. she's become a lap cat recently.

you know, i never remember what i typed in here unless someone responds and i read it then. half the time i've forgotten if i've posted in here at all.

recent developments have made me realize i need to go to rehab some time in the near future. i'm not waiting to hit bottom.

i went for three hours after i got up to have my first cuppa joe. that's got to be some kind of record. i love coffee. love it. love. it.

i'm playing an mp3 CD that i burned god knows when. so far i still enjoy it. Baby Elephant Walk is playing now and i dare you to listen to it and not smile. even chloe is smiling, and she's a cat. jack is partial to barry manilow.

enough nonsense.

i made two necklaces and a bracelet today. it feels good to accomplish more than just the housework.

my next project is to turn a shamefully wasteful camel mail promotion into an enchanting and mildly entertaining gift box. then said box will go to PA and be kelli's really late birthday gift. that is a several stepped thing that will include dashes of collage and fanciful artwork (i only do fanciful if it comes to drawing, filling in squiggly lines with color, vines and flowers, that sort of basic thing)

i've decided that i need to start every day with the music of courtney love. it empowers me like nothing else. then i'll listen to big country to mellow back out after i've done the stuff ms. love inspired me to do.

i need to take a shower and make my hair curly again. with the complete lack of humidity out here, my hair straightens out within a couple of days.

the cats are all hiding from the stereo, soon the sun will go down and it will be time for wet food, then they come out en masse. even jack has taken to meowing when begging for wet food. that's new.

i long for a fishy who will follow me wherever i did go.

bark bark bark eco friendly busses (sp?).

i saw this great wall treatment in some movie or show yesterday. i loved it, i just have no wall space to put it. but i'll keep it in mind. i'd need a packet of small nails to do it.

i need to clean the living room. and do some ironing. and i made a promise to myself to do something jewelry related today. doc wants me to take a nap at 4 instead of 8, so i have to try that. but in the few hours i have, i need to do something jewelry related. the spring line is going to turn into the summer line if i don't watch it.

happy earth day. everyone on tv is barking about it. whee. i remember the first and last time i celebrated earth day. other than wanting to find the tshirt i got, i want nothing to do with the memory of it. the tshirt was cool. hee.

my email isn't downloading. it's all spam, anyway. that and notifications of comments left on my podcast blog, which are all spam. spam spam spam spam spam and beans.

my head hurts and doc hid the lortab. piffle.

Coco Latte isn't growing as fast as she should, i think she's a dwarf hamster. meant to be small and jumpy. i think we're going to get her a bigger cage. she's really active, so i think it's important that she have room to run and climb around. our last hamster, Spot, was not at all active, never ran her wheel. she just got big and fat and chewed on the bars of the cage compulsively. the cage we have was fine for Spot's level of activity, but isn't doing it for Coco. she runs her wheel at about 45 miles per hour. but when she's not running, she is tunneling under her cage bedding. you don't see her unless she wants to be seen. cute little vermin.

leeloo being weird for no real reason.


darling jack curled up on his chair.