woke up to confrontation and a following fight. now i'm being asked what i want for take out, so i guess we're not going out to dinner. i can never do much for alan on his birthday, but i try to make the day nice for him.

i should just go buy the bus ticket. by three pm, i could be out of here.

i'll be 43 on saturday. if we have the truck back by then, we're going out to dinner.

i've been trying to get a picture of ragdoll, but she won't hold still long enough and all i get are blurry pictures that don't begin to show her true beauty. her blue eyes are so magnificent, and i can't get a good photo of them. but i'll keep trying.

doc and i are trying to get along. since it's taken so long to get the truck back, we may have to stay here another month. i'm so sick of this place. doc and i had a fight about the master bedroom. it was his idea that i get it, and i was counting on that, then he changed his mind. he doesn't want me to leave, but if i have to share a bathroom with M, there is no way i can stay. it's really stressing me out.

the brakes on the truck are being checked out today. the transmission and the CPU have been replaced. there's another few hundred dollars of work needed but not urgently. there are a few other problems with it, the back gate doesn't open and doc and the guys are going to take it apart and figure out why. just little things. so the buy was a lemon. we have a truck now. the move is in sight.

freddie is doing really well. she still has a big fat belly and a tiny little head. i can't get it in pictures. you really just have to see her to understand, pictures don't do it justice. she's getting taller and longer, her head just isn't growing. she's becoming more affectionate to me and has become a lot less aggro with the other cats. she has absolutely no interest in going outside. i think she had enough of being an outdoor cat.

felix grows more attached to me with each passing day. some days he's down right clingy. he's also become more talkative. he's started going back out at night. once we move, that will stop. no more outside time. mostly all he does when he's out is sit on the porch and guard ragdoll's food from the other strays that come around. he also nags me when it's time to feed ragdoll in the evening. she gets fed two hours before the inside cats. i've also started feeding her during the day, she's a hungry kitty. felix goes to the door and meows when she's out there and then backs off so i can go out and spend time with her. he's too darling.

since we have a car now, i'm keeping my shrink. this takes a load off my mind. i hate changing doctors and i only do it when i absolutely have to. i have an appointment june 12th and at that time, i'll get my sleeper adjusted, because the trazodone is just not reliable. sometimes i sleep like the dead on it, but mostly i am up every hour and it's getting old. so that will be sorted on the 12th. the rest of my meds are doing me really well. my tolerance to xanax has built up to the point where i don't even bother taking it most of the time.

since i got little sleep last night, i took a couple of tylenol pm so i can nap. that was an hour ago and they really aren't affecting me. i'll nap anyway, just not for as long. i've taken too many sedatives for too long. i feel immune to them now. i wonder if when i have my own bed instead of the couch, in my own room, i'll sleep better. i'll know in another month.

we'll have the truck back next week. all fixed. it needs a transmission and a couple of other small things. with the price of it at auction, and the cost of the repairs/labor, we got a really good deal. the only thing really wrong with it was the transmission. likely why it was abandoned and towed in the first place.

ragdoll and i have had a breakthrough. she was actually affectionate toward me today, not just tolerant. felix is going to be a problem once we adopt her, though. he's jealous already of her, and turns into a brat any time i go out and spend time with her. last night he spent growling at me and not letting me pet him. this morning he was fine again, sleeping with me on the couch. but then i went out to feed ragdoll, since i feed her twice a day now, there is another cat sharing the food. felix copped an attitude with me again. what's he going to be like in the new house when she is a fixture? hopefully my plan of moving her in before us and the cats will work. i know he'll get used to her. eventually.

we're staying here through may. the house we were considering was section 8, which we are not. so we lost out on that. now doc is looking at more modern places, which is a relief to me. i don't want to downgrade when we move out of here. and to be honest, this place is great, if small. ice maker in the freezer, dishwasher, washer/dryer, fireplace. we're in a nice place. there's just things like the tiny size of the place and the inspections and the no smoking rule. there's a pool and hot tub, but i haven't used them in a couple of years, and won't miss them.

i have to go to the office tomorrow and sign us on for another month here. once we get the truck in our possession, we can go look at places in the mornings before doc has to go to work.

i started taking my sleeper, trazodone, again. doc and i got into a huge fight the other day and it was either move out and leave felix behind or start taking my sleeper again. doc felt that somehow my split sleeping schedule was what was putting off the move. the fight lasted for two hours. it was ugly. i'm staying until we move and get settled, and if things are still fucked between us, then i'm leaving. i'll find a way to keep felix. doc told me he's wanted a divorce for two years. so there's that. we had been getting along, and we kind of are now, but that hurt me and i don't think i'll get over it soon.

the guy called back about the house. four bedroom, two bath. i don't care much because i'm getting the master bedroom with its own bathroom wherever we go. it's within our budget. all we have to do is go look at it. a lot depends on the kitchen. there's no garage, either, which bums me out, i was looking forward to that for storage of our crap. now we'll have to keep the storage locker. i can't wait to go look at it. maybe it's ready now so we can get out of here at the end of this month instead of next. i'm really not looking forward to spending another birthday in this fucking apartment.

i don't think there's the slightest possibility that the truck will get to the mechanic this weekend. more procrastination.

last night dic got home and freaked out on me for all the stuff i packed, insisting that it wasn't the stuff he wanted me to pack. then he ended up throwing the coffee pot at me and hitting me in the shoulder blade and mocking me for fifteen minutes. i really fucking hate him sometimes. i'm still mad at him. but i've been talking to him out of sheer desperation for human contact. i guess all the boxes piled up made things a bit too real for him. and i really don't care, i want this over with.

i think doc found a groomer for ragdoll. i've had a setback with her. i hadn't seen her for almost two weeks and we lost our connection, nearly. yesterday when i went out to feed her, she was out there waiting for me. at first she ran to the bottom of the stairs and hissed at me. i meowed at her and she meowed back and came halfway up the stairs. once i got her food and water and brought them out, i sat down on the porch and held really still until she came up to eat. but she wouldn't let me pet her, like she used to. i was hoping i could catch her by hand, but i'm thinking now that we're going to need a trap.

we're staying here another month. a house right around the corner from the guys' house just went up for rent and doc is checking it out. i found out yesterday that the truck hasn't been at the mechanic getting fixed, it's been at the guys' house. doc was supposed to take it to the mechanic today, but he went on a date last night and didn't get home until late, so he's sleeping in. to be honest, i'm completely fed up with his fucking procrastination.

today i'm going to pack. time to pack away the nic nacs of the place. anything that isn't needed is going into boxes until i run out of boxes. i'm actually fucking tired of my own procrastination, as well. it's time i took this seriously. i can't wait to move.

not a lot, but we got rain for the first time in a month.

i've been watching Top Gear UK for days now. i can't get enough of this show. when i tire of the humor, i concentrate on the car information. i'm not turning into a gear head or anything that extreme, but i've developed a new appreciation of cars. part of me wants to be a mechanic.

doc bought a car. i'm so excited. and B said he'd teach me how to ride the scooter. i'm going to need it because i have a feeling wherever we move to will be in the middle of a suburb, away from corner stores and highways. i'm so tired of living beside the freeway with the loud trucks and noise. we want a proper house. we may stay here another month, just because it took so long to get the car. and we needed the car to go look at houses. plus it's an SUV so it will be able to help us move. yay! things are looking up and i'm beginning to relax about the move.

looking back on the past 12 years, i'm really glad doc and i decided not to have children. we are definitely not the parental type. and to be honest, we're just getting comfortable with each other and ourselves. the heady days are over, the passion has leveled out. we've been together a long time, and i'm glad we're still together. that thought just occurred to me as i sat here watching dawn creep up.

once we get settled, i'm thinking of going off meds for a while to see if i get any better. i'm really sick of being a zombie.

the whole pink slime thing has pushed me to stop eating pre-ground beef. if i have any ground beef, it will be from a butcher, and i'll have to watch them grind it. surprisingly to me, this removes a lot of regular foods from my diet. and felix will never again share a bacon cheeseburger with me. i'd go on a bear like all salmon diet, but all we can get here is farmed salmon and it just isn't the same as wild salmon. maybe we;ll move to a neighborhood with organic and free-range foods. or now that we have a car, we can go to Whole Foods. are they reliable with the organic stuff? does anyone know? i've never been to one.

when i got up at 5:30, doc was up and i was afraid my morning was ruined, but he went back to bed and i had a glorious morning.

he's out looking at a truck right now. i hope all goes well and he buys it. we need a car like you wouldn't believe. then finding a house will be easier. we can actually go look at places.

one of my meds makes my hands sweat. it's a new sensation. my hands never sweat before in my life. it's really weird.

we're getting a bigger trap for ragdoll. once we get a house, we can catch her and take her over there. let her get used to the place without the other cats, and keep her in quarantine until we can get her checked for disease and get her shots. she's old enough that she may already be spayed. someone once cared a lot about this cat. i think.

freddie is getting more affectionate by the day. in the mornings she comes up and sits on my lap and lets me pet her. she comes into the bathroom when i'm in there, a captive audience, and gets really lovey.

the best thing i found out today is that doc has been socking away money and we'll have enough to move and get ragdoll fixed up. which reminds me, i need to find a groomer today. it shouldn't be too hard finding someone who will work with a problem child. just a quick shave.

i think i'm losing myself. i don't know if it's the meds or what. i feel more and more disconnected from everything. i'm completely shutting down. i call kelli and just say nothing. i miss her. i'm still not over the excitement of her being here and all the stuff we did. mostly i'm still traumatized by the security incident at the courthouse with doc. it's all just so confused. i'm so empty.

once we move it will be better. doc is definitely buying a car this weekend so we can go look at houses and find somewhere to live. we have to be out of here at the end of the month. i live in a fantasy of after we move and i have a room to myself. i'm getting tired of the couch. i want to sleep on a bed again. and i have it all planned out. how i'm going to build my bed into a tent. i spend a lot of time wondering which cats will sleep in my room and which cats will sleep in doc's room. i'm getting the master bedroom so i have a bathroom in my room and i have the largest room. i plan on setting up my two computers, the old ones. they have software on them that i can use.

leeloo has become a major cuddle kitty. she used to not like to be touched, now she loves to curl up with me on the couch and have me pet her. before she jumps up on the couch, she reaches up and pets me for attention. it is the cutest thing ever.

it's almost time to get ragdoll and get her checked out by the vet. my big plot is to move her into the new house before we move the others in, so she's a fixture in the house when they get there. hopefully that will stop any fighting. i still have to find a groomer for her that can shave her. her long fur is so matted. at first i thought she had tumors, then i realized it was fur. i still can't believe that someone would abandon such a beautiful and rare cat. that's just stupid. people blow me away.

i need my mornings. a few mornings of doc getting up with me really threw me off. today, M stayed home, which made me twitchy. but the morning was fabulous. i woke up just before dawn and watching BBCamerica with the volume too low to hear. i can chain smoke and drink my coffee and be with the cats in peace. i can't wait to get my own room.

we still are no closer to findig a house and we have to move at the end of this month. i need t pack mre stuff. doc wants to get another storage unit to put the boxes into since there's no room to put them here. first, he has to buy a car.

freddie is more friendly to me. she follows me into the bathroom and ppesters me to pet her. she even jumps up and lays down on my lap when i'm on the couch. she is so damn cute and she purrs so loudly.

i slept the weekend away. not so much today as yesterday. i only think i was awake for a few hours. today i just zoned out and watched "An Idiot Abroad" on Science channel. i love that show.

the cats are acting all weird. being cuddly more than usual. jack even curled up on doc's feet yesterday. he never does that. felix has been my constant companion and freddie is my bathroom cat. she always comes in and cuddles with my legs when i go. leeloo has spent the better part of the day curled up with me. even being peaceful when felix curled up, too, and infringed upon her space.

i need to start packing again. so doc can see we need more boxes. he also needs to find us a house. i still regret losing the one with the loft.